You may have noticed that the Maltese are more polarised than the bear enclosure at the zoo. Go out into the village square and shout “iswed” – half the people will cheer you on, while the other half yell “mur ħudu f’sormok, razzist!” With that in mind, we thought we’d help you be on everyone’s bad books. Here’s how to annoy everyone in Malta.
1. England vs Italy
World Cup or Euros; every 2 years the doorsteps of the flats near Ryan’s are anointed with the urine of countless supporters of both sides. As the Azzuri scream “Forza Italia”, the Anglophiles yell “Three lions on the shirt!”
How to get on everyone’s tits:
“I side with Brazil, I really like their kit!”
2. PL vs PN
The two parties that run the show. Ġowżef or Sajminn. Aħmar jew blu. An age old battle that has destroyed families, caused actual deaths, and is perhaps the single biggest divider of the Maltese people.
How to piss everyone off:
“I gave Number 1 to Caccopardo; I believe that a third party in parliament can really make a difference!”
3. Pepe vs ħamallu
It’s easier to breathe life back into Romeo and Juliet than to bring these two segments of society together. Each side is so firmly entrenched in their ways that they consider being called the other type a deadly insult.
How to aggravate all:
“My dad’s a foreigner, I really can’t understand this division on an island this size!”
4. Religious vs non-believer
The God-botherers in Malta are all uberpious and devout, whereas the heathens are as militant as Dawkins. Amidst the roars of “mażun!” versus “mazzun!” you will find no common ground.
How to bug the lot:
“I believe in God, just not in the Church!”
5. Daddy vs Papa
The two ways to summon your male parent are equally divided. Upon having a child, all will ask the new father “Are you a daddy or a papa?”
How to get their goat:
“I call my father Maurice! Mhux that’s his name?”
6. Cats vs dogs
RUBS Puppy Love is where these two groups meet, but there’s a thin line between love and hate. Cat feeders scowl at dog walkers as their familiars scatter at the sight of a hound, while the dog folk curse under their breath as their companion lunges at the felines.
How to be a pain in the ass:
“Do you like Peppi? He’s my ferret!”
7. Xenophobes vs ultraliberals
Waging war on The Times’ comments boards, these two groups are unlikely to ever meet for a friendly pint. One wants all the foreigners out, with no exception, the other wants all the foreigners in, possibly making space by chucking out the locals.
How to invoke universal dislike:
“I don’t understand why people are racist! I have two black friends and they’re really cool…I don’t really like Arabs eh pero.”
8. Pro-life vs pro-choice
The former wants to force all women to become breeding machines, whereas the latter is on an unholy mission to destroy all foetuses. At least that’s what they think of each other.
How to irritate equally:
“I agree with the MAP, but a doctor should prescribe it!”
Bonus: Lovin Malta vs any other Maltese site
Just kidding. There is no choice.
How to make enemies:
“Lovin Malta x’ikun?”