December, for most, is a month of hustle and bustle, with gazillions of errands that needed to be done yesterday. And, since life is basically one big game of Pacman, you’ll always find your ghost-like pixelated thingies lurking round every corner, ready to destroy your progress and make you restart the level.
Thankfully, there are also the cherries of life which pop up unexpectedly and make everything seem peachy for a while. Here are some people who piss you off terribly whilst you’re doing your Christmas rounds, and some people who just make things better.
1. The Pavement Hog – Break
She’s totally engrossed in her universe, which consists of her, her iPhone, and the hunky delivery man from the office she’s Facebook stalking. The problem is that she’s stalking him with both her feet planted dead centre of the pavement in the road with most shops. You’re trying to pass, with sixteen shopping bags in hand and a blister on your baby toe because you didn’t fully stretch out your socks this morning.
The one thing you really really do not need is this human bollard obstructing your path. Could you please move over to somewhere more appropriate, like the deepest bowels of Hell? Thanks ħanini.
2. The Golden Retriever – Make
Just when your shit is making contact with the fan and you’re about to totally flip; as your buggy wheels get tangled up in the nineteenth garbage bag you’ve encountered on your obstacle course, you look up and see a quiet old man out with his fluffy golden retriever on their evening stroll.
As he passes, the beast looks up and gives you that inimitable doggy grin which makes you believe for a few minutes that, actually, all is well with the world.
3. The Corner Criminal – Break
Christmas means a quick turnover of goods, which need to be replenished at least daily by men in vans. The problem is aforementioned men often like to deposit said vans squarely upon the double yellow line which smartly outlines the nearest corner. Meaning that, as you edge out onto the main road from the sneaky side road you were driving down in the hope of finding parking, you have as much visibility of oncoming traffic as a diabetic mole in a sandstorm at midnight.
It’s useless explaining to the red-faced woman in the Ford Fiesta shaking her fist at you that her sudden braking is not the fault of the orifices of your dead relatives, but the fault of the selfish cat-turd who has turned his white behemoth into the mother of all blind spots as it sits there with hazard lights festively blinking away. Please, pupu, place your van elsewhere. Like into your rectum.
5. The Benevolent Waver – Make
Whilst negotiating the labyrinthine side streets in search of a temporary depository for your vehicle, you will eventually encounter a main road, as described above. And, even if it is free of white van obstructions, you will meet an unbroken stream of angry cars, all desperately trying to get to the same place and all managing to fail.
You settle down to a long long wait, but look! A smiling young lad is making the universal sign: swiping his left hand to the right (using only the wrist joint) which signifies “oħroġ ħi!” This guy’s got a reserved parking space in Heaven and you’d gladly have his babies.
6. The Mercenary Hawker – Break
You’ve plotted your shopping path to the nearest millimetre and you’ve planned every stop on your way with a meticulousness that would make Rommel seem like an amateur. Yet, as you pass by a random chemist, some overenthusiastic and fragrant young lady will try and attack you with her olfactory cluster bombs. “Trid tipprova l-fwieħa l-ġdida, Musk by Elon?”
No thanks. “Raħħasna l-prezz: 120 juropp biss għal 20ml!” You need to leave me alone, miss. “Rigal sabiħ għall-mara!” And the time you need to leave me alone? “Jew anke għall-kunjata!” Round about now.
7. The Gangsta Wrapper – Make
You’ve picked Dave out of a hat for the office Secret Santa and, shackled by the twin facts that you know little about the man and what you do know you dislike intensely, you’ve finally bought him a discounted aftershave. Just as you’ve resigned yourself to going home and crumpling some leftover snowman-infested cheap wrapping paper around this sad offering, a chirpy voice asks you whether you’d like it gift-wrapped.
The most gorgeous human you have ever encountered is that young lass who, with a few deft snips and swipes, turns the mediocre jar of smelly into a pretty package of love. You, lady, are a star.
8. The Preacher – Break
Unfortunately, not everyone can be in the best of health at this time of the year, and December may see you visiting Mater Dei to see a relative who is poorly, or even as a patient yourself. As you walk down the cold corridor, depressed at being given bad news and angry at having been made to wait a few hours for it, you’re accosted by a pious old man who lovingly bequeaths you with a badly printed portrait of San Otorgu or some other obscure saint.
With trembling lips, he claims that regular burnt offerings to this flimsy depiction will instantly rid you of all your ailments. Beautiful words perhaps, but scant consolation to someone who’s been told that their loved one has something inoperable and dangerous. So, pretty please, keep your saints’ business cards where they belong. Not in my face.
9. The Hospital Volunteer – Make
As you while out the hours in a depressing waiting room, nervous at the thought that, behind that clinic door lies a file with your name on the cover and nasty stuff within, you feel that nothing will make you feel better. Then a slight elderly lady comes round with a trolley and offers you the only thing that actually can.
A cup of tea and a biscuit. And why does she do this? Only because she’s a fucking legend.