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Masks, Sweat And Fears: The Seven Painful Stages Of Every Post-COVID Day In Malta

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I don’t know about you, but I was really getting used to staying at home and not having to meet people during the whole pandemic. But now that we’re all emerging from our lairs again, our return to “normality” hasn’t come without its growing pains.

Whether you’ve been infrequently venturing out of your house in the last three months or have been locking yourself indoors for weeks on end, here are some frustratingly relatable ways Malta’s going to be welcoming you back.

1. Getting back on the road… only to realise how much you haven’t missed traffic

Remember those couple of weeks when Mother Gaia was healing, dolphins were returning to Venice and Ċirkewwa, and we were all gaping at photos of empty streets all around the island? Yeah, that’s all gone bro.

As life sputters and stumbles to get back to its old speed and efficiency, we’ve mostly gone back to our “old” traditions. And that means a whole lot of cars are back on the road, and we have once again all become traffic.

2. Going two minutes with a face mask on… before realising it’s too hot, you can’t breathe and everything itches

This was always going to be the case, but add a Maltese summer and an immortal beard trend to the mix, and you’ve got yourself one recipe for disaster.

Good luck meeting someone wearing a mask for longer than a couple of minutes who won’t explode into a rant of “uff hi xi dwejjaq din l-imbierka maskra!”… or worse, wear it completely wrong.

3. Wearing your sunglasses (because this is Malta)… but having them fog up within seconds

Breaking news: mouth-breathing into a mask and wearing glasses do not mix well.

This one goes out to all my spectacled brothers and sisters who have to suffer even when the Maltese sun somehow doesn’t shine.

If you were wondering what the car sex scene from Titanic would look like if it played out two centimetres away from your eyes, put on a face mask and a pair of sunglasses for longer than 100 seconds. Start counting and good luck.

4. Reuniting with someone after weeks of not seeing them… and having to resist the temptation to hug or kiss them

We Maltese people are as Mediterranean as they get. We’re passionate about everything, and that yes, that includes greetings.

How are you going to express how much you missed your friends without giving them a bone-crunching hug? What about throwing in a couple of cheeky cheek kisses to make sure you’re giving that random acquaintance the attention they deserve?

My bet? You just won’t. Or they won’t. Whoever gives in first, just brace yourself.

“U ajma ejja l’hawn, issa għadda kollox hux wara kollox!”

5. Going through the awkward handshake-turned-elbow-bump process

This is how you go about not hugging or kissing people in 2020, but I’ll be damned if every single greeting doesn’t end up playing out the same exact way.

First, one of you reaches out for a handshake, because old habits die hard.

Then, the other extends their elbow instead.

Ah yes, because handshakes weren’t already a recipe for an awkward disaster, now we get to deal with this shit.

Cue the elbow bump being dismissed for a classic hug straight out of Point #4, because after all, we are Maltese first and foremost.

6. Getting your hands even more damp with the mix of sweat and sanitiser

Palms are sweaty, knees weak, sanitiser ready.

No one single dispenser on the island seems to work exactly the same way, and it’s already resulting in some hilarious (and petty) inconveniences.

You either get a dispenser trickling some random liquid that’s stickier than a melted Kinder, or one that explodes an 80% alcoholic Niagara Falls onto your innocent hands. No in betweens, sorry.

And yes, we are now in nearly-full-blown summer mode, which means your hands are already going to be semi-wet all the time what with all the sweat exiting every single pore in your body, and then some.

Congratulations: you’ve just become a human vaseline bottle.

7. Panicking that the shop security’s temperature scanner is going to go off… and mentally preparing an excuse about how it’s been a particularly hot day

As if we needed an extra level of anxiety, we now get a temperature check every time we want to walk into a shop.

And while the initiative is an important one to have, you aren’t human until you’ve found yourself dreading the moment a scanner would start beeping and everyone looks at you as if you’re a walking, talking bat.

The excuse I always have ready to go? Balla sħana illum u liebes iswed ta’ għalhekk!

Tag someone who knows the struggle is real

READ NEXT: Updated|Strip Clubs Included In Malta's COVID-19 Voucher Scheme, But For Drinks Only

Lovin Malta's Head of Content, Dave has been in journalism for the better half of the last decade. Prefers Instagram, but has been known to doomscroll on TikTok. Loves chicken, women's clothes and Kanye West (most of the time).

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