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Mela No, Ma! The 12 Types Of Tans You’ll See Around Malta

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With summer comes sun and with sun comes a tan (or a lobster-red burn for those of us who aren’t gifted with thick skin). Malta’s tanning vision board really does contain a number of different possibilities and if it were a board on Pinterest you’d definitely find these 12 pins tacked up.

We’re taking a look at the types of tans you’ll find in Malta, which one do you have?

1. The awkward bikini line

This is the kind of tan you’ll see on those people who don’t have to work real jobs. The kind of person who can spend all day at the beach in-between not eating anything at the free lunches they’re invited to and worrying about how they’re going to keep everyone updated with their life with an overheated mobile.

If you’re going to spend 12 hours in the sun, 7 days a week, make sure your bikinis are all the same shape. No one needs to see that you’ve never had to work a day in your life.

2. The driver’s arm

Not to be confused with the farmer’s tan, this tan takes up only the right arm of someone who spends their time on the roads with a hand flailing out the window because “look mom, no hands” isn’t enough of a show-off you need to make it obvious you can handle 4 wheels with your less dominant hand.

3. The lycra leg

Cyclists sometimes mistake this for smog settling on their legs 3/4 a way up but the sun still shines whether you’ve got a helmet on or not and those wannabe plastic leggings you’ve burst your calves through aren’t always your lower legs’ best friend.

4. The Matrix

Applicable only to those who refuse to take their sunglasses off, even when indoors. And quite frankly, if you are one of those people, you deserve the bad tan.

5. The minimal tan

Don’t let the name confuse you. This tan is only achievable when wearing minimal clothing. Think a lady wearing dental floss or a man pursuing the cliffs of Qarraba Bay.

6. The festival tan

Because nothing says “I’ve just had the biggest sesh at Summer Daze” like two, pale, un-tanned stripes across each of your cheeks. Looking like some kinda animé character try hard.

7. The Jesus foot

Particularly popular amongst those of us who don’t give a fuck, less popular with the dads who still wear white socks up to the kneecaps. Get your foot looking like the Big J from above by wearing nothing but flip flops all summer long.

Note: Crocs do not count. If you get a polka dot foot you will be exiled from society by Provost Paul Vella with the rest of the gays.

8. The Rolex warrior

For those men in speedos who insist on leaving their watches on because, you know, rather lose your dignity by having your clothes stolen than a wrist piece that formulates absolute materialism in today’s society. Spot these alphas sporting a full-body tan sans a stripe on their left arm and their tucking-tool.

9. The thigh roll

While we wish this was a new fusion of ice cream rolls and chicken thighs (savoury ice cream works, okay), this is the kind of tan that you’ll normally find on someone too shy to wear a speedo. Not that we’re judging, we just think there are more serious things to worry about in life than having someone point and laugh at your smuggled budgie at the beach.


10. The IDGAF tan

When someone really doesn’t give a fuck about how tanned they are – they are literally one UV ray away from turning into a lizard and having their lip fillers blister and burst. These folks can also camouflage very well into the rocks and sand around the beaches.

11. Mela, no, ma!

When your mother has slathered you in SPF50 but you wash it off in the sea and return to her hours later looking like Mr Krabs.

12. The decent tan

For those among us who know that it’s not about the quantity of time you spend in the sun but the quality of your lotion, your planning of when to be in the sun and not letting yourself dry out like a fig in the summer heat.

Sit back and enjoy your problems, but please sort out your tan. Moderation is key. Slip, slop, slap and all that shit.

Which tan do you have at the moment? Tag a friend to let them know they need to sort theirs out.

READ NEXT: Things To Stop Telling Pale People In Malta

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