New Year's Sex Resolutions To Improve Maltese People's Love Lives
The dishes can wait, Doris
Sex at the start of a relationship is explosive, hot, exciting – or every euphoric adjective you can think of. Sex in a mature, steady and functional relationship can be decidedly less rapturous.
But it doesn't have to be. Let the New Year inject some new spice into your sex life. How? By making sure you follow these super easy sex resolutions.
1. Fix the bed
If your bed creaks overtime you move and your mother-in-law lives beneath, it's likely to crop up in your mind when you're about to surrender to the throes of ecstasy.
No matter how relaxed you are about being noisy during sex, if your neighbour is Michael tal-Mużew you're bound to feel awkward knowing that the girl you got home is a bouncer. Avoid the sound of a broomstick thumping from below just as you are climaxing, and have a look at the bed to see what needs to be fixed. If needs be order a new one. It will be worth the peace of mind when you need to call on Mike for a jug of milk when you've ran out.
2. Stop the housework
Malta has to be the only country where people add 'having clean dishes' to the list of things they need to do before they can have sex. Other countries’ lists usually consist of things like – owning a vibrator, actually having a partner, and making time for it.
In Malta we need clean dishes, ironed clothes, kids asleep, and, in some occasions, a spotless floor. In case the memo didn't get around: cleaning plates is not foreplay. Sex is as good if the dishes are still dirty and on the table. It might be even better cause you’re less tired and it’s more spontaneous.
“Nagħmel il-platti u niġi!”
45 minutes later...
“Wasalt ta'... Għax imbagħad tajt daqqa l-mejda, inxart load u lestejt il-lunch bil-lest... Mela rqadt?! Basta għidtli nitla’.”
3. Use leave (and a couple of sick days) for sex marathons
Vacation leave doesn't exist just for you to catch up with house cleaning and maintenance. It's also perfect for spending some quality time in bed. So, why not take a day off and have a sex marathon?
Make the sex marathon even spicier and pick up fun sex-time enhancers for during sex, such as – peppermint, rope, whipped cream, fruit, feather, costumes, or sex toys. Keep these in a box and don't not show them to your partner until it's time to get busy. Use as many of the ten things as possible. This way you would be broadening your experience and learning more about yourselves.
4. Have sex before Min Imissu / Strada Stretta
How many evenings have started off with you watching a series, and ended with you waking up in the middle of the night having to find your way to the bedroom?
We all work too hard, and the moment our body and mind relax they both want to shut down – so it's very easy to end up dozing off in front of TV. Let’s also admit that we’re growing older and that unless any action happens before we hit the sofa it’s just not going to happen.
Forget what the nun/priest/teacher taught you. They most certainly are not the best placed to dictate what you need in bed. Instead, find out what you enjoy by exploring yourself sexually. Masturbating will not make your penis fall off and/or make you infertile. Masturbating will help you understand your body better.
Also – having sex frequently will not make it less enjoyable and focusing on the physical aspect of your relationship is not superficial or a sin. Many people believe that sex is dirty or wrong, and these beliefs affect them whilst they’re doing it. The shame and guilt can reduce pleasure during sex.
To enjoy sex, you need to be totally relaxed (body & mind). The less you relax the less you'll enjoy it, and the worse you feel. And that makes you think that the nun was right – sex is not worth the hassle because you feel bad afterwards, and it’s not even that pleasurable. But, if you do relax you will feel fantastic during and after.
6. Keep the bedroom doors shut
This is one of those rules that backfires immediately – I can't have sex with the bedroom door open because of the kids. Yet the moment the door is closed everyone feels awkward because it’s obvious what’s going on.
Well – if the doors are always shut and everyone has to knock to enter at all times this will create a private space for all family members and make it less obvious that we’re having sex.
"Iġbed il-bieb warajk!"