16 Pepé Problems In Malta
So you were born into slightly more privilege than others, it doesn’t mean you don’t face your fair share of day-to-day problems. Here are some things that private school just didn’t prepare you for. (How cheeky ey?).
1. Your new friends don’t know what the hell you’re talking about half the time
“Maaaaaaaaa how shyyyyyyyyy!”
“Pardon?”
“Sorry I simply mean I’m feeling second-hand embarrassment”.
2. You have no idea how to use public transport
I mean, I get the part where you share the bus with others, but how do you know where it’s going?
3. You can never leave the house without makeup
La Rive to Giorgio’s is like a minefield. You can’t risk being caught when you’re not looking on point.
4. Equally, you should never do the walk/drive of shame
But you’ve probably had to anyway. At the very least, stay the fuck away from Tower Road.
5. Your double-barrelled surname might clash with your partner’s double-barrelled surname
Think of the children – if the quadruple-barrel doesn’t sound nice they’ll be teased so much!
6. You’re finding it hard to recreate the privileges of your childhood for your kids
They’re probably going to have to settle for skiing only once a year. Poor babies!
7. Your parents would probably prefer an arranged marriage
“What school did he go to?”
“What does his father do?”
“Who did he vote for?”
8. It’s fucking impossible to pass your Maltese O Level
The only poeżiji you know is the kaxxa ħdejn kaxxa one, and then you stopped paying attention.
9. You’re constantly being judged for where you’re from
Next time someone asks, choose a Ż and stick with it (see below). You might want to look up the name of a local band club to boost legitimacy.
10. You have a hard time navigating down south
Żejtun, Żurrieq, Żabbar…. They’re all Ż’s to you. Except Żebbug, that’s where Sarah’s farmhouse is.
11. Equally, no one gets your “well known” landmarks
“We meet at the second Tanti?”
“Sorry what?”
“Uwejja, opposite Piazetta!”
“…”
“U ajma! On THE FRONT!”
12. ‘Everybody’ knows you
At least everybody you have to work with as a client.
13. If your friends don’t know someone, they don’t exist
“So I met this new guy…”
“Who is he but?”
“He’s really clever and cool and fu….”
“I don’t know him ta but”
14. You know everything about everyone… even if you don’t want to
“Ma, you know Becky’s lesbian now?!”
“Cool. I read this cool book last week about -“
“‘-no but like, she’s an actual lesbian ta.”
15. Your sayings are really old-school.
“I sent my maid to Nicholson’s for some stretch and seal…”
You sent who to where?
16. And you’re always shocked when you enter other people’s homes
“How sweet this… toilet roll doll is.”
