Why Panettone Is Literally The Worst Thing On The Face Of The Earth

Breaking news: you're allowed to hate it!

Panettone Cover

We all know that Malta's conservative attitude means many subjects are off limits. Bad-mouthing panettone is one of those taboos, and even if you don't enjoy the sandpaper-dessert, you'll never even notice you don't because your brain can't comprehend there is life after panettone.

We're here to open your eyes to some of the reasons panettone is basically a scourge on this good Earth.

1. It's too fucking dry

If anyone is worried this post might cause massive amounts of food waste, don't. We can give it to schools to mop up children's vomit - it'll work wonders.

Stop kidding yourself, panettone tastes like cake you left out for too long.


Pro tip: when panettone runs out, feel free to head to Għadira for a quick bite.

2. It's too fucking big

The only person who can handle a panettone slice is the hands version of yeti. Why is it so tall? It makes it awkward to cut, to hold, to fit on a plate. Logistically speaking, it makes no sense.

Tiny Hand

What it feels like to hold a panettone (ft. a summer panettone).

3. It makes you do all the work

What sort of arrogant dessert forces you to sprinkle the icing sugar into the bag and shake it well to distribute it? If I buy a dessert I don't want to have to make an effort. 


4. It needs constant excuses and justifications

"No but I love the chocolate ones!"

"It tastes really good if you slice it, toast it, and cover it in nutella!"

Why are you making excuses for it? The chocolate covered ones are only tasty because you eat the solid chocolate casing - then you're back to dry cake. If you need to suffer through a whole recipe to make eating your store-bought dessert acceptable then it's time to accept the fact that said dessert, is shit.



5. It hogs all the hamper space

See no.2 above. One giant, dry cake takes up valuable hamper real estate that could be used for chocolates or liquor.


6. And it's not a fucking dessert

Say hello to the BBQ watermelon of Christmas. If you bring a panettone when you're asked to bring dessert, we can't be friends anymore.


He probably likes panettone.

Bonus: It rears its ugly head again in Easter... as a fucking Colomba

Stop kidding yourself. It's just a flat panettone, and it needs to stop.

Landscape 1479830633 Evil Kermit Memes

Share this post with a panettone lover, you'll never know - you could save their life!

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Written By

Chucky Bartolo

If there's no Mariah Carey GIF or reference to Eurovision in this article, just assume they've been edited out against my will.