We’re all a bit wary of Secret Santa, especially when combined with people who lack imagination or tact – the employee you never speak to, the cousin you can’t stand or the weird friend who is out to impress.
The most classic ‘I-don’t-care’ gift is generally a package from the Body Shop, because obviously, every woman likes to go around smelling like a walking vanilla pod. The most subtle gift is a token from some random shop that smells of ‘I-walked-around-for-ages-and-found-this’ kinda gift, yet we accept it with a smile and a nod.
It’s the weird one who’s out to impress that everyone should be worried about – there are certain gifts that are just not OK, mostly because of the awkward silence they ultimately bring about. Sexuality seems to confuse people, particularly when it comes to gift-gifting, ranging from boring-for-hetero to bordering on the downright insane for homosexuals.
So on the off chance that your secret santa is still coming up do not buy the one lesbian in the group any of the following.
Do you walk around with a sweater saying ‘Sorry girls, I like dick’? No? So why would a sweater saying ‘Sorry guys, I like Tacos’ be OK for your lesbian friend?
We do not need to parade around with our sexuality on display and bear in mind, the lesbian pool in Malta is small, so yes, everyone does indeed know we’re gay, even nanna. We need no help from you or your sweater.
2. Pride memorabilia
We are indeed familiar with the colours of the pride flag, and we can easily picture what it’d look like on a mug, bracelet, spoon, hat, top, scarf, umbrella, cushion – you name it.
We do not want one as a gift. We will not use it or wear it and we will probably tell you to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. All the gift spells out is that you walked up to a pride stand and thought ‘Oh yes, Jane will love some lesbian goodies’.
3. Leaving it up to Google
Typing in ‘lesbian gifts’on Google and then promptly buying what it spits out at you is not OK, for many reasons, but the most obvious being: lesbian is not our one descriptor.
If we read, we don’t just read lesbian fanfics.
If we collect mugs, they’re not all ‘Lick Meow’t’ mugs with a cute cat on the front.
If we like clothes, they’re not all plaid shirts.
Think outside the box which you’ve so neatly packed us in and buy a gift for a friend. liking pussy or dicks isn’t a prerequisite for a cute scarf. Google is your definitive go-to on everything, except lesbians – Google’s one idea for a lesbian Secret Santa gift is a mug. So thanks, but no thanks.
‘Lesbians + tools = happy’ is a lie. Some lesbians like tools, YES, totes. Most people like tools, children included, I’ve seen many a child bang a rubber hammer, but we don’t buy it for them for Secret Santa, do we?
Heading down to BigMat, grabbing a hammer and grinning because you’re so proud of your innovative gift is what will make the unwrapping so much more unbearable.
You know what’s worse, a disassembled stool (because let’s face it – that’s all you can buy with €15), a gift that screams: isn’t this what lesbians like?
Sure, pretending to be ‘the man’ and hanging a hammer from their tool belt while assembling a stool sure does look sexy. But Jane has a handy man. Jane will use said handy man to assemble the stool. All your gift has done is incurring a cost to pay Mr Handy Man.
5. Sexy undies
Lesbians are amazing because they’re diverse – butch in the morning to femme in the evening – but exceptions obviously exist. So going up to your local butch with a pair of undies, lace undies no less, is also not OK. Would you like Jane to buy you (assuming you’re a stereotypical female) a nice pair of cotton boxers, hekk nice and loose for breathing room? Thought not.
So next time you go to Piccinino’s, just think: what would Jane do? Then head over to Callus and buy your Secret Santa a plant. Because she can’t choke you with a plant, but she can definitely use the undies against you.
6. The unmentionables
Would you ever, EVER, think of buying butt plugs for your buddy next door? So, why on earth would it then occur to you to buy a dildo for your lesbian friend? ‘Ma nafx’ perhaps? Its funny ux, lets buy a dildo for Jane because she doesn’t like dick.
We see the irony. Seriously, we do. It’s HAHA-worthy when it’s thought of, it’s HAHA-HA when it’s mentioned again. It’s kill-me-now when it’s bought and delivered. ToysFourPlay should not be the one stop destination for Secret Santa gifts għal-gays.
7. Cheap unmentionables
Us women don’t fuck about, we all have that secret stash of goodies under the bed and we all know how to use them. So if you’re going to be cheap and buy us a €15 dildo, qalbi, spare us and yourself and just pick up a bottle (mhux xi Lacryma Vitis) from Hexa on the way, hekk to numb the pain.
So the next time you call and complain because ‘maaa, I picked Jane’ and you whisper to your buddy ‘Jane ajma, dik the lesbian’, bear in mind that we don’t call up our lesbian friends and complain that we got ‘the straight one’. Lesbians are great at doing everything from assembling shelves to looking sass AF. In fact just strike off ‘lesbian’ as our one characteristic and get creative with your €15. Here’s a couple of ideas:
- A scarf: a normal one, not a pride one
- A bracelet: shocker, lesbians wear jewellery.
- A book: anything but the lesbian Kama Sutra
- A Plant: mini cactuses are really in right now
- A bottle of gin: you know, so we can offer you a drink when you come over to complain about how shitty your BF is being