Define: being petty; ˈpɛti/; to act in an exaggerated way over an incident of little importance.
If that sentence doesn’t scream being Maltese, I don’t know what does. We are a nation of people who love drama but hate confrontation, so the only solution is pettiness. Here are seven examples that will hit a little too close to home.
1. Garbage wars
One time that bitch neighbour from next door left their garbage on your doorstep. You know it was them and you know they did it to spite you (probably for one of the below reasons).
So now, by complete chance, you always happen to leave your garbage bags on the line between your homes. And if it falls over (by wind or by foot) onto their side, well then that’s not your fault is it?
2. Parking wars
Tony ta’ ħdejna‘s garage is filled with empty ice tea bottles and cockroaches, he doesn’t deserve that precious parking spot. So every day you’ll edge a little closer to the yellow lines that mark his box.
One day in the distant future your bumper will be just over the line. He’ll struggle to park and leave his car flustered and sweaty. But you’ve felt that way every single day since you moved here. Tony had it coming. You win.
3. Church-pew wars
Did Mary pick up the Danielle Steele novel you were reaching for at the public library? Did Joe’s dog bark all night? Get to mass 10 minutes earlier than usual and sit in their usual spot. Sit proudly and keep looking forward. Bring a handbag and place it on the seat near you. If you’re feeling extra petty, smile and point to an empty seat towards the back while mouthing “naħseb hemm post hemm wara”.
You also gain extra, bonus petty-points if you get to go to Communion before them.
4. Noise wars
Did your neighbour’s dog keep you up that one siesta-time last week? Better run the washing machine at 11pm tomorrow just to remind them noise can be frustrating.
Remember that birthday party Salvina had for her granddaughter back in October? Well, you’re still not over it so… would you look at that? It’s 3am and totally time to vacuum.
5. Sixth Form wars
Remember when Sam was cast as the lead role in the soiree because he was dating Martina who was directing? Well, Sam just asked you to like a photo on Facebook for an online competition.
But you won’t be liking that photo, oh no. You’ll be going to the photo on the right of his and liking that one! Guess you should have worked harder on that big note, buddy.
6. Secondary School wars
John who knocked the crackers out of your hand with a (probably totally intentional) renegade football shot just had a baby and everyone on Instagram is overflowing with love. Well John, I guess the hit to my arm left some permanent damage, because I won’t be double tapping anything today.
And Tamara, did you think I would forget the time you took my scrunchie home and pretended it was yours? HA! The next time we meet I’ll ask you how’s work at EY, but I know you work at EF.
7. Successful-child wars
The definition of ‘long game’. Margaret your sister’s friend has been bugging you about her son starting a law degree for months now. We get it, Thomas wants to make money off the misery of others. But you won’t be outdone. She’s annoying and has to be stopped.
So you start slow, you buy your newborn books on science. You talk to them every day about the wonders of biology and chemistry. Slowly, they build up a love for the subject. The miracle of the human body begins to fascinate them, and in 25 short years (time means nothing to the petty) – BAM! Your child is a doctor and Margaret can suck (even though she’s probably dead by now).