Things Everyone Should Stop Saying To Maltese People Over 50
'You need to be more careful at your age...'
1. 'I didn't see you at the Festa'
Translation: You heathen
Anyone else who refuses to be a sheep is a shit-stirrer and / or a philistine. As for us, we’re not hoi polloi, and besides, we’re too busy to spend time thusly.
2. 'Act your age'
Translation: I wish I were part of your circle
Is there some kind of manual that says one must no longer boogie the night away on the morrow of the fiftieth birthday, because of a curfew? Or one that says Twistees and Kinnie are not classifiable as food and drink? I thought not.
3. 'Had your son / daughter got married?'
Translation: Have you failed as a parent?
This question is asked when the person knows full well that said son / daughter is gay, or that said offspring is in the middle of a nasty court battle over worldly goods. Or maybe the son has shacked up with his girlfriend, and the daughter has fallen pregnant and is at a hide-out until she gives birth.
4. 'High heels will give you varicose veins'
Translation: 'Facebook science' allows me to tell you how to dress
Varicose veins are part and parcel of legs that have worn heels practically since puberty. They will exacerbate the condition, but not cause it.
5. 'Long hair is so much trouble to keep healthy'
Translation: You look like an aging rock star
The insinuation is that unless you walk about with hair that is gelled into immobility, you will look unkempt… and you’ll probably have nits, too.
6. 'Do you borrow your daughter's clothes often?'
Translation: Who do you think you are?
The implication is that the clothes do not fit, or that they are too ‘young’ for one. It is nobody’s business what another person wears. You never know, shorts with beads strung into the frayed ends of Daisy Dukes may be the next big thing…
7. 'Relationships tend to be merely symbiotic at this age'
Translation: I feel sorry for your love life
Love can blossom at any age. A woman does not enter into a relationship for a meal ticket… and a man does not find himself a woman for the hot meals she will cook him. And even if this were so, it is not the third parties’ business.
8. 'You've gained weight, haven't you?'
Translation: You've let go and look like a sack of potatoes
The irony explodes when the person saying this has a wider girth than yours, in which case you reply “yes, I so envy your Fat Lady proportions I want to beat you at your own game.”
8. 'You've lost weight, haven't you?'
Translation: Are you sick, or trying too hard?
The only reply to this is “Well, I might be ill, as you are probably wanting me to explain – or it could be that I am swallowing those pills with intestinal worms as if there’s no tomorrow – oh yes I know they are illegal but I have friends of friend.”
9. 'You’re [still] single?'
Translation: I bet you're lonely... but also I kinda envy you, my kids and in-laws are giving me hell.
The still is inserted when one would never have been in a relationship, to imply that one is past the sell-by date. Without that word, the statement is an accusation that the person has played hard to get once too often. Or, maybe, that hidden in the closet is a secret lover… about whom we know.
Bonus: One must be careful after 50, you know…
Translation: I just feel like raining on your parade...
Careful of what? Of bearing a child? Of attracting a stalker? Of watching too much television? Of going to swim / jog / party without a buddy? Of breaking a fingernail (oh, they are fake anyway)? Dial it back a notch.