Stages Of A Secret Santa Ceremony In Malta
It’s Christmas eve, so hopefully the ordeal that is Secret Santa is now out of the way. And because we’ve got your best interests at heart, here’s a little reminder of what you’ve recently gone through. #PTSDgoals
1. The Dreaded Stage
There’s always that HR manager who thinks they’re being original by suggesting it, and this year is no different. It’s inevitable – the dreaded moment has arrived.
‘Erġajna biż-żoċċ ta Secret Santa’
2. You Give In
Same as last year, you weigh the pros and cons of taking part. In the end, the pros (not looking like a cheapskate and not being hated by everyone) outweigh the cons, and since you kind of “want” to keep your job, you unwillingly drop your name (followed by a ‘no socks please‘ footnote) into the Santa hat.
3. You pick the name of the person you like least
Be it the blandest person to have ever walked the face of the earth or the one you tried to poison during last June’s elections and failed. You then secretly discuss who you’ve picked with your group of allies, who prove themselves useless and find the fact that you ended up with the person you ended up with, hilarious.
‘Taf x’airline int dis-sena? Air Dajtu!’
4. The ‘Kemm-Ħa-Nonfoq’ Stage
In an ideal world, you would be paid to walk around Sliema – dodging the pests stalking you, trying to sell dead sea products – all to buy this imbecile something.
But alas! The budget is ten euro. You ponder whether to go for an 8 euro gift? Or perhaps a 10.50 not to seem too cheap? Once you’ve settled on your budget, you realise you know literally nothing about this person apart from the fact that you don’t like them, so you opt for a pair of socks or whatever the nearest shop has to offer.
‘Naħseb mug tal-presepju ġej għax ħa taqbeż indur il-l**a Ferries.’
5. Opening it in front of everyone
Yay, ceremony time. You suddenly understand what it must be like to be an animal in a zoo shitting with people watching you from the other side. You solemnly take an oath to never visit a zoo again.
6. Feigning happiness
A key chain with my star sign. No way! What I’ve always wanted.
7. You book a flight 12 months in advance
To avoid having to go through that ordeal again the following year.
‘Illa x’ħasra kemm xtaqt nipparteċipa dis-sena!’