Stages Of Being The Only Guy At A Hens Party In Malta
A magical and confusing journey
As we approach the 2020s and continue to see Malta change its attitude towards most 'taboos', it's rare to find an aspect of culture that is still quite conservative, but for some reasons many aspects of weddings remain very old school, and the pre-parties are one of them.
So if you've been invited to a hen's party and aren't sure what you're in for, here's a quick taste.
1. The bride's nanna will be confused
She understands that her neputija is really close to her guy friends... but this is a hen's night for hens! Nanna'll get over it eventually, but she'll never fully understand it.
2. The penises will make you uncomfortable
Everyone is laughing at them, throwing them around and using them to eat with, drink from or play games. But you have one of those, and it's all a little too close to home.
3. The girl talk is fun...
If you're used to hanging out with just guys you've probably missed out on all the 'girl talk'... and no, it's not all pillow fights and boys.
In these talks you'll cover the realities of being a woman on an island like Malta, secret hacks to things you never even thought of as a problem before and live through intimate details of intimate encounters from the other side of the table.
4. ... and then it's suddenly not
From the gayest of the gay to the aggressively straight, few men are ever 100% comfortable talking about certain aspects of being a woman. Not because it's unnatural or something to be ashamed of, but the graphic details of childbirth and 'vaginal sutures' or periods and their 'level of flow' will always freak a guy out, even if just a little bit.
5. You'll pre-panic about the stripper
Does he know there's a guy in the crowd? Will it bug him that it's not just a room of screaming women? Will he approach me too? What should I do if he does approach?
6. You become extremely protective when out
If the party heads to Paceville, a gang of tipsy, giggling girls is almost certain to attract the unwanted attention of many guys in the club. Suddenly you become the best-friend-bouncer and this is your job for the rest of the night.
7. And take turns being the 'boyfriend'
When the physical barriers of your arms around the group don't cut it anymore, you take method-acting to a new level as you step in between the offending party and your friend to mime out: 'she's my girlfriend!'
You will then continue to do this with each friend being pestered by endless unwanted advances. Congrats on your now-polyamorous night out!
8. You vow to be 'one of the girls' way more often
The whole night wasn't what you expected but it certainly was fun. You leave the party hoping you don't have to wait till your bffl is about to get hitched to have another intense night out with the girls.