Stages Of Having Sex In Your Car In Malta
You know you've done it...
1. You'll empty 'nofs tank petrol' trying to find the perfect location
This place is exactly under a street-lamp, that car might have someone in it, there's too many people walking here, it's too dark round that corner. Unless you are, or know, a seasoned car-sex fiend, you're gonna struggle a bit to find the where to get it on.
2. Someone will accidentally hit the horn
A knee, an elbow, a head; something is bound to accidentally honk the horn. And in that moment you'll feel like a spotlight just hit your car, and everyone for miles around is looking directly at you.
Also the FBI is probably on its way too.
3. Every car that drives by causes a mini heart attack...
You catch the brights reflected in the rear-view mirror and your life flashes before your eyes.
4. ... and kinda kills the mood
There's a good chance you're so... close... to the person you're with, you can actually feel the fear sucking the libido out of them.
5. You bend in ways you didn't think were possible
You'll never be as flexible as you are when you're bent over the car seat, twisted around the seatbelt avoiding the gearstick and climbing the dashboard. Who needs yoga?
6. And you'll hit your head on every surface imaginable
Banging your head on the ceiling is too easy. Call us when you've hit the tiny switch on your light, the wiper lever or the seat belt buckle.
7. You'll have more friction burns than you can count
There should be a car-specific morning after pill, that helps ease the pain of your countless bruises and cuts. No one hates you for having sex in a car, quite like your car does; and it ensures that you know this.
8. The second someone hits the handbrake your life flashes before your eyes
The car is perfectly safe, but when the handbrake is touched and the car jolts you've already envisaged you and your date rolling down Saqqajja Hill and plummeting off a cliff (even if you're parked in a dark, flat corner of Zurrieq).
9. At some point you'll have to administer First Aid
If you do this often, you'll soon learn how to deal with a cramp in five seconds or less.
10. Sometimes the police will catch you
It's just a thing that'll happen (and let's be honest, when you have nowhere else to go, it's a risk worth taking). You'll see the lights and assume it's another car driving past. But these will stop and walk over with a bright flashlight - that's when you know it's over.
11. And you'll end up wearing each other's clothes
What, I think this sparkly crop-top matches perfectly with my chest hair and beard.
12. But they'll probably be more embarrassed than you
As they tap your window and try to look anywhere but at you, you'll be sent on your merry way with a stern warning and a very flushed face. If you catch them on a bad night though, you do risk a fine and an awkward: 'please get out of the car'. That's when you know you're more fucked than you were hoping to be that night.
BONUS: There's 10 minutes of awkward sitting and waiting afterwards
As you hope your windscreen clears ASAP, you're just stuck there sitting in the very obvious smell of sex, hoping if you breathe less and crack open a window you'll be home free soon enough.