Break-ups are up there with some of the most stressful things you’ll ever have to go through in life. Whilst it’s pretty hard for the dumper, it’s complete and utter anguish for the dumpee.
Here’s a few staple break-up chat lines that need to be erased from the small-talk handbook.
1. “U le, maybe it’s for the best”
Great, now I can stop feeling depressed.
2. “You’re amazing babe, his loss / Uwejja bro, you can do better”
I no longer have my best friend and soulmate to walk with me through life. But it’s okay, your affirmation is all I need.
3. “Uwejja? You were together for so long!”
Thanks for the salt you just pressed deeply into my gaping wound.
4. “Istra, I thought you guys were really happy…”
Aha. So did I.
5. “Maaa, everyone’s breaking up ‘cos summer’s here”
That’s all the consolation I’ll ever need.
6. “Better now than two years down the line”
Better still if this never happened…
7. “Listen I know this guy/girl, you two would make the best couple”
Thanks but no thanks.
8. “I heard… my cousin’s boyfriend’s sister told me”
The joys of island life.
9. “Qalbi I’ve been through it I know how you’re feeling”
Then you should also know that what you’re doing is not helping.
10. “Let’s still hang out ta’, this doesn’t change anything!”
Tajjeb, thanks for not dumping me too.
BONUS: Meeting the ex’s family
They might not tell you much, but the pity in their eyes says it all.