All we want for Christmas is a super power.
Without getting into the mechanics and physics of it all, here are the super powers we would most love to have in Malta.
‘Aħħ kemm għandi aptit ngħaddi minn Rue D’Argens dalgħodu,’ said no one, ever.
With teleportation, you could beat the traffic and avoid muttering ‘Kulħadd indannat dalgħodu’ every single day. Instead, roll out of bed at 07:45, have a biċċa toast bil-jam tal-bajtar – instead of car fumes – for breakfast and pretend to be productive at your office desk by 08:00. Bonus: Take a nap at home during lunch break.
‘Qabżitli l-ostra…tlaqt norqod. Bieb ż***i mit-telefonati.’
Anyone working in an office in Malta
Let’s just say pronunciation isn’t our forte (‘xampuwn’…’petlor’). Shouting ‘Santa Vendra!’ would simply confuse the system and may land you anywhere from the nearest vending machine to Vändra, Estonia.
And all you wanted was a quick sangwiċ at the Santa Venera aqueduct FFS.
‘Ara jien fej spiċċajt.’
You, in Vändra, Estonia instead of L-Akwadott ta’ Wignacourt, Santa Venera.
For minor ailments and niusances such as bruda, qtugħ ta’ laħam, indigestion…
Tal-pharmacy imur minn taħt.
Pharmacist: ‘Ilek ma tiġi għal naqa cream tas-cystitis!’
You: ‘Ijja… issa għandi s-self healing, bro.’
Spying minn wara l-purtieri (behind the curtains) is so 25 years ago #SindikajrGoals.
No more hiding in your friend’s jacket in order to sneak into the cinema! With the power of invisibility, you could not only get into the cinema without paying a cent, you could also go alone without feeling like a loser. The best part though, is that you’d be able to smack anyone talking during the film – without consequences. Seriously, the possibilities are endless.
They say revenge is best served cold. We say it is best served invisible. Elbow that rude cashier in the face. Or the person who’s just flicked his cigarette nonchalantly into the road. Stalk your ex IRL once they block you on Facebook.
‘Ersaq minn nofs, barri!’
You: The invisible version.
In these times of paranoia, the last thing we need is a spike in neurosis. It might also get a little messy for politicians when they start being followed, not that us commoners are complaining.
4. Time Travel
You could eat that burger you’ve been craving ‘Għat-toma’, then turn back to the time you didn’t eat it, but still have the taste. (We’ve added that rule. Most welcome.)
Have you even watched ‘The Butterfly Effect’?
5. Time-Speed Control
Those of you who have played ‘The Sims’ will definitely appreciate this one.
1) At the bank. It’s Saturday morning, you have a hangover tad-duluri and are sporting the ‘Waqajt-mis-sodda-u-ħrigt-hekk-ABŻ’ hairstyle. There’s nothing you’d like more right now than to crawl back into your warm bed and be a useless, drooling slob for the day. Yet you could swear the slug you spotted after last week’s rain moved faster than this queue is. Cue: time-speed control.
2) When the person next to you on the bus is telling a story which never seems to end and which you couldn’t care less about if you tried. Cue: time-speed control.
Everything and everyone sounds like a chipmunk till the speed is reverted back to its natural state.
For those of you whose elocution may accidentally land you in Estonia, this power is your saving grace. Oh the sensation of soaring through the air, the freedom!
Imagine a Malta with less air pollution, going shopping in Sliema without having to leave the day before to find parking. Imagine hearing ‘ABŻ mill-prezzijiet tal-petlor!’ before and after the annual budget. No more ‘Fej iż-ż*** ipparkjajt?‘
We can barely drive and follow the highway code, could you imagine if we could fly in the absence of lanes, traffic lights, useless wardens and indicators (‘Indictator x’jaħbat?’)? Furthermore, we envisage people being accidentally shot down by hunters (‘Sorry, ħsibtek għasfur protektid’), bugs flying into our mouths (‘f*** id-dubbien’) and worse yet, a new selfie trend, with people’s faces looking like a dog in a tunnel as the wind hits it.
You would need to pass a medical every year, but that beats VRT any day.
7. Personal Bubble Forcefield
Never get harassed at a club, and with this power, you’d be able to dance without anyone bumping into you and wiping their sweat on your clothes. They will instead, be propelled across Havana. Similarly, those pests on their mobiles walking in zigzags on the pavement and knocking into everyone would be sent flying.
We simply don’t have the space for it #ODZland
Is that too much to ask for? Scientists; get cracking.