It might be rainy, windy and generally cold in Malta right now, but that doesn’t mean people won’t be sweating. And if there’s one place where that couldn’t be more obvious, it’s when trying to get your Christmas shopping done.
These are the 12 different types of Christmas shopping sweats. How many will you be ticking off your list?
1. The ‘Looking For Parking For 30 Minutes’ Sweat
You haven’t even parked and started the actual shopping, and you’re already sweating. Did everyone decide to go shopping at the same exact time? Well, considering we’ve only got a handful of shopping malls and everyone’s so busy during the day, that might well be the case.
2. The Terribly Overdressed Sweat
You know what’s really cold? Outdoors.
You know what’s not outdoors? The place where you’re going to spend the rest of the next, hassle-filled couple of hours.
3. The ‘How Do So Many People Exist’ Sweat
You enter the shopping mall, and after the instant wave of heat which hits you, you realise you’re willingly entering into a tin of packed sardines. Suddenly, a new, slightly different type of sweat bead trickles down your forehead.
4. The ‘I Can’t Find A Present, I’m Eternally Screwed’ Sweat
It could’ve been five minutes, it could’ve been an hour. You’ve lost track of any concept of time, because it feels like the present you’re looking for just doesn’t exist.
You pray for something, anything, to just show up in front of you.
5. The ‘I Actually Like This Present… Too Much’ Sweat
A rare but sadly all-too-real type of sweat.
You finally find the perfect present, but it’s just too perfect. So you decide to keep it for yourself, and just like that, you’re back to square one.
6. The ‘I Miscalculated The Total Bill’ Sweat
All those mental gymnastics and hasty calculations were all for naught. And it’s not like you just accidentally rounded the whole thing or something; is that an extra zero at the end
7. The ‘What If My Visa Doesn’t Work’ Sweat
You’ve already handed the damn card at the counter now, you’re past the point of no return.
You hastily pull your phone out, trying to casually play off that you’re actually trying to log in to your mobile banking account to see whether you’re going to get the humiliation of the month. But it all happens too fast, so you’re just stuck there, hoping for the best and sweating your balls off.
8. The ‘Why Did I Leave This For 9pm On Christmas Eve’ Sweat
One of the worst ones on this list, specifically because you did this to yourself.
There’s no one else to blame for leaving this too late. Christmas has been celebrated on the 25th of December for hundreds of year, why did you decide to leave it to a couple of hours before the clock ticks midnight?
9. The ‘Running Into The Person You’re Shopping For’ Sweat
Sure, there are loads of people all around, but of all those people, did it really have to be the person you’re actually shopping for?
10. The ‘Running Into Your Ex’ Sweat
Similar to the above, but different enough to merit a different spot on this list.
This time, you’re not trying to avoid them because you’re already thinking about them. You’re trying to avoid because you specifically don’t want to think about them.
But of course, this is Malta after all, so you accept your fate and muster a nervous smile (along with more sweat).
11. The ‘Shopping For Your Partner While They’re There’ Sweat
Going on ninja mode and hoping they don’t realise is as stressful as it sounds.
Be quick, stuff the gift in your pocket if the gift-wrapping is taking too long, and good luck coming up with a valid excuse which doesn’t allude to cheating if they catch you in the act.
12. The ‘Shit, They Already Have This Present’ Sweat
Or even worse, the sinking feeling they might, without having actual confirmation.
You make a quick phone call, and your worst fears are realised. Guess it’s back to the very beginning all over again.