The Ultimate Expat Survival Guide: Tips For Any Foreigner Thinking Of Moving To Malta
You see them posting random requests (and complaints) on Facebook, and you’re able to notice them from a mile away. But what about trying to address some of their pressing questions and giving them a bit of a leg up?
We think it’s about time we gave any of Malta’s potential expats (and any of them left here that haven’t gone back to their own country yet) a crash-course on what to expect from Malta when deciding to make it their home.
This is the ultimate guide for any expat thinking of moving to Malta.
1. Expect a battle of the buses
Malta might be only 26km wide at its fattest lengthways point, but that doesn’t mean you’ll find it instantly easy to get around.
Unless you’re coming over with the intention of driving (something you will lose the will to live for eventually if you stay here too long), you’re going to find the public transport difficult to navigate if you’re used to underground trains and uncongested cities.
(We’re joking, cars kill trees when the government isn’t looking)
Do yourself a favour and download the Tallinja app and get ready to stand up to the tune of a bus driver shouting “move back, please” at every single stop when even more tourists pile in.
The best advice you can take as an expat is to stop giving a shit about punctuality in general (it’s awful, isn’t it?) and accept the fact that you no matter how early you leave the house you will now remain in a constant cycle of running five minutes behind everyone else thanks to buses trying to keep up with Malta’s increasingly busy roads. But that leads us into our next point…
2. No one gives a fuck in Malta, seriously
We mean it. Every single day in Malta (and Gozo, sometimes), not one single ounce of fuck is given. Dua Lipa’s 2018 single IDGAF will teach you a lot about self-love but also a lot about Malta’s fabled ‘small island mentality’.
While this doesn’t mean you can get away with anything in Malta, it does mean you’ll see an awful lot of things swept under the carpet (and then shaken out every morning by the CCTV nanniet).
Dinged your neighbours mirror this morning? Uijja. Filed your taxes into an offshore account? Mela. Haters coming for your vibe? Bizejjed.
3. Speaking of the CCTV nanniet, you’re in for a wild ride with your neighbours…
Don’t argue with anyone behind closed doors, there really is no need to keep anything private. If you don’t end up the talk of the town, you will end up as the talk of your local parish if not one of Malta’s many Facebook groups.
Nothing is sacred in Malta unless it happens underneath a chapel. Your neighbours will have seen it all and more, they’ll be running around having their afternoon te’ fit tazza on the Sliema promenade singing the songs of your life story, compiled entirely with whatever muffled conversations they’ve picked up in the morning while sweeping the streets outside their front door.
4. Make an effort to integrate
We’re not telling you to ditch your passport at the borders and leave your old life behind. Instead, we’ll tell you to make a damn effort in learning about the lives of the people you’re living with.
You’ll find people from all walks of life living in Malta, not just locals, so making the effort to get to know the people you’re sharing the air will do wonders for your attitude.
Malta’s not just the jewel of the Med, no, it’s a goddamned gem of culture and if you’re not willing to let a little of it into your life then GBTYOC and if you don’t know what that means then you’re obviously still integrating.
Learning any amount of the language will get you so far – even it’s just the odd mela here and there (it’ll also save you paying through the nose with a vegetable truck). It’s no doubt that any local hearing some of their native tongue will instantly relax a little more when they hear their own language and for those who say “but English!!” we say: it’s official, not national, make the gosh darned effort.
5. Despite what you might’ve heard, taxes are a thing and they very much do exist
We’re back to that whole sweep it under the rug thing, aren’t we?
Malta gets its fair share of gravy train ridiculing, but isn’t it just better to keep your own nose clean rather than stoop to the level of the people you love to vilify on Facebook forums like RUBS?
If you’re coming over here for one of the more cushy gaming job offerings, make sure your paperwork is kept up to date, always. The Malta Gaming Authority do their homework and will not leave a stone unturned. Background checks can be made with things as mundane as opening a bank account, too, so we cannot stress enough how important it is to keep at least one thing to yourself while living in Malta: your financial conduct (and keep it clean).
6. Channel your inner grumpy old man
We dare you to queue before boarding a bus. Go on, do it, we’ll wait.
A futile attempt, but one not made in vain. Thing is, it’s not that the Maltese don’t have manners, no, if anything they have more than most of us – but when it comes to waiting for something in an orderly fashion, well, things fall into disarray.
You will see every smile in the street returned, and hear a very quiet Grazzi when you give up your seat to an elder, but try and get served in KFC before another falsified threat of no more chicken emerges and you’ll be more likely to leave the restaurant with another revolution of the sun complete before your bucket is filled.
Have you been in the bank queue for an hour already with midday looming over your head because your cheque needs cashing? God forbid one of Rita behind the counter’s nannus walks in and has a word with security to slot them in front of you because despite not having to work anymore, they must collect their pension on the same and only day off you have, that you’ve had to take from your holiday leave, to withdraw your rent for your cash only landlord.
We’re not trying to scare you off from coming over to Malta, no, in fact we’re hoping to do the opposite.
Malta’s a great place with a great bounty of opportunity for anyone willing to take the plunge, but the listed points above are there to act as a guideline for anyone still unsure about whether or not they’ll survive in the 300 days of sun we share with no one, because we’re only 316 km² and have a population size just a few hundred thousand smaller than Luxembourg (and they’re a whopping 2,586 km²).
Avoid the culture shock and instead embrace a culture different to the one you’ve known all your life – you can’t just call a country pretty and then make it your own.
Whichever way you look at it, there will always be a downside to anything unfamiliar. The only way to turn that around is to make it all familiar, so get yourself involved with the country you’ve just made your home and enjoy your life, y’all.