Things You Need To Know Before Moving In With Someone Maltese
An essential guide to realising we're talking, not fighting.
Whether you're bunking with someone Maltese in their homeland, or you've just found out your new flatmate is flying in from Malta, here's an essential guide to things you need to know about the person sharing your home.
1. It'll take us a while to realise houses aren't self-cleaning
Cut us some slack, our parents often do everything for their children, even when they aren't children anymore. It might take a while for a Maltese to notice that the plates don't just wash themselves.
2. There must be bread in the house at all times
Perfect for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And... not or. A day without bread is not a good day, so if you take that last slice - you'd better scurry on, and get some more.
3. If we suddenly start speaking in Maltese, we're probably swearing
If you start hearing ħaqqs and madonnas, you might want to wait a bit before asking what's wrong.
4. If it's cold, we'll complain
We're from a nice, toasty Mediterranean island - the cold will bother us, anyway.
5. If it's hot, we'll also complain
We didn't move all the way to mainland Europe to be stuck with Maltese weather.
6. Don't offer your food unless you're done with it
Cause we will take the plate and finish off the whole thing. We, like the hobbits before us, are always hungry - we were raised to eat that way.
7. We'll try to help you with every situation... even if you don't need it
Our heart is in the right place, our 'sensing when someone just wants to be alone' is not. We're not doing it just to get the best gossip to Whatsapp (exclusively in Maltese in case you peek) back home, but also cause we hate seeing you down and wish we could help.
8. We're probably just loud, not angry
If we've met another Maltese person and you're worried we might be about to punch each other, don't be. We're just naturally louder than we care to believe. That being said, we might also be genuinely angry - it's probably best if you learn the subtle inflections early on.
9. Our parents will call at any time of day, and we'll pretend we're annoyed by it
But if they don't call us in a while, we'll whinge about how they've forgotten us and moved on with their lives.