Exam period at University of Malta is now officially in full swing, and if you’re really quiet you can hear the endless boiling of kettles and the sprouting of unkept body hair. To help you empathise with these students, here’s a reminder of all the thoughts that rush through your head during exam time.
Before the exam
1. “Is nowhere safe from small talk?”
Living on a tiny island, with a university that’s tinier still, you really have no options for study zones that don’t come with super fun catch-ups. Do you not see the tear-stained notes before me? This is not a good time for us to reminisce about secondary school.
2. “It’s not my fault if the notes aren’t on eSIMS”
Even though I should probably have gone to the lectures, is it my fault they don’t take attendance and it’s my only lecture on a Friday?
3. “Are my family auditioning to join the local banda?”
You never really notice how loud your family is, until you need silence. With no real spaces to study (bar the overcrowded library), you’re forced to sit at home and endure your family’s sudden need to hoover all the carpets, and watch NCIS on the loudest volume possible.
4. “If I start now, I might finish in time for the resit”
It’s fine, Jason just texted that the first five chapters are super easy – I got this.
5. “If I ever use this useless information in my career, I’ll eat my shoe”
This entire credit could have been summarised in two lectures, and this exam could really have been a simple assignment.
During the exam
6. “This question was literally nowhere in the notes”
And don’t tell me it was in the ‘additional reading’. I’ve had enough to read without anything additional, thanks.
7. “How is Sarah asking for a second booklet, and I’m still writing my name?”
What could she have probably written. I’ll be it’s rubbish. I bet she’s just trying to scare us. But what if we’re expected to write so much? Oh god.
8. “Do invigilators have to fail a competence test to get the job?”
Seriously, it’s understandable that the job is not the most thrilling, but if you could avoid messing up every single exam sitting, that’d be great.
9. “Does the lecturer go out of his way to not be on campus on the day of his exam?”
If you’re gonna make mistakes on the paper, the very least you can do is answer the panicked cries for help from students.
10. “You know Jason, you don’t get any extra marks for walking out early…”
11. “… Oh shit, I’m done too. Do I leave?”
No. I’d better reread my answers 500 times and sit in the hall needlessly for the next hour, counting how many marks I’m gonna hypothetically lose.
After the exam
12. “Sarah, I swear, if you’re crying over another exam you aced…”
There’s always one student who’s “so sure” they failed, and magically, every single time they get an A.
Save your faux sadness, the rest of us are going to panic and flick through our notes, pretending not to notice the obvious mistake we just realised we made.
13. “I cannot remember a single thing I studied”
You’ve cried in the car and dragged your ass back inside your house to prepare for another day of studies. As you push the old notes off the table you glance at the past paper from today’s exam and realise “if I were to sit for this morning’s exam right now, I’d fail it”. You’ve completely deleted all the ‘essential’ information you piled into it over the last 24 hours. Thanks brain.