For most, a visit to the hospital is never a pleasant experience (duh). But there’s something about waiting in emergency that takes your paranoia (and impatience) to new heights.
Here’s how it usually goes down:
1. Am I gonna die today?
I have tickets to a sold-out party next week, I need to hold on just a little longer…
2. Do you get dropped down the list if you complain?
“I don’t want to be annoying but…” – someone who is probably being annoying.
3. Will they penalise me for not being able to speak Maltese?
‘Qalbi’ aside, there’s no way I know any of my other organs in Maltese.
4. Why are there people dying in the corridor?
And why do they have to be so noisy?
5. How do hospital staff do this every day?
Seriously, this is some soul-sapping stuff.
6. Fuck! That nurse was so cute!
This may be my last day on this Earth, please come back (and do a little twirl).
7. Did they forget me?
I knew I shouldn’t have sat so close to the vending machines. I’m hidden by my own gluttony and now I’m gonna die here.
8. Is anyone here actually in charge?
This place is more chaotic than my family gatherings. Who is in charge? Who decides it’s my turn to not die? Who makes the timpana?
9. Can the concrete hold my weight?
I knew I should have followed the news a bit more.
10. Goddamnit, they definitely forgot me #dead
At least I have the company of this potted plant in my final moments.
May my body shock those who have forsaken me once I am discovered.
11. Holy shit. The service is so good
Once they’ve dealt with all those pesky heart attacks (and other ‘skip-the-queue’ emergencies) and they’re ready to see you, you realise how good they are at their job
Rejoice, you get to see another day!