Everyone needs friends for a quick chat/pick-me-up/round of tequila. But what happens when you’re friends with a quarter of the country’s population? This. Every fucking day.
1. Not being able to go to the grocer without a full makeover
And preparing your stream of ‘Hi, how are you’s?” that you hope nobody will actually stop and answer.
2. Not being able to organise a birthday party without offending 150 of your ‘besties’
You can either invite your two closest, or 200 close friends. There is no in between.
3. Having 700 ikliet for Christmas
And an infinite number of junk-mail Secret Santa invitations.
4. Not being able to just sit at a coffee shop and work
It’s worse than being in an open-plan office with another 50 co-workers.
5. Never being able to enjoy outdoor me-time
At least not without hearing a constant stream of “you’re alone?!”.
6. Spending all your life savings every wedding season
You’re not gonna give Tina less than you gave Sarah are you?!
7. Spending a week calling everyone to update them about your new relationship
And feeling shit when you have to do the same after a breakup, just in case they find out from someone else before.
8. Tinder is a no-go
Or your Whatsapp groups will flare up with screenshots of your sensitive side.
9. And your 14 Whatsapp threads are constantly blaring
Whatsapp never stops. And what’s worse is that you can’t share your killer joke with multiple groups cos there’s always a common friend when you don’t want one.
10. Already knowing everybody at your networking event
And leaving exhausted because you spent the whole time introducing mutual friends to each other.
11. Flashing your car lights five times during every 10-minute drive
You’ve got to acknowledge you’ve seen them or you know they’re gonna call you a snob.
12. Spending every other second making or cancelling plans
And every moment between that is spent explaining why you’ve made or cancelled plans with someone else.
13. Not being able to date anyone without offending a friend
Bro code is cool, but not when you’re bros with a measurable percentage of the population.
14. Spending your whole life feeling like a bad friend
Try as you might you’re bound to have let someone down – it’s pure statistics.
Bonus: Pretending you love quiet time, but being offended you weren’t invited places
I mean, I have a really good book waiting for me at home but I’d have liked the chance to say no, Sarah!