To quote our latest episode of Kaxxaturi, “Malta pajjiż sħun.”
The islands have got a pretty diverse dating crowd these days, but just about every dating demographic’s got at least one thing in common – basic instinct.
Whether you have a sixth-form sweetheart you’ve been with for seven years, hang around Café Del Mar trying to pick up foreigners, or swipe on Tinder with your toes while watching Love Island, your brain’s constantly being squirted with hormones. And when those sparks fly, y’all gotta do what y’all gotta do.
So, on the subject of doing, we’ve set up a veritable encyclopedia of Lovin Malta’s Malta-Lovin-Moves. And we’re sure we’ve come up with something for everyone.
1. The Azure Window
You and your boo are doing what you’ve always done, you’ve been doing it for as long as anyone can remember.
You’re getting wild in the bedroom. And it’s getting harder, faster, stormier. Then someone pushes too hard, twists too far, moves too fast, and *CRACK* someone’s leg gives. And your whole wild, passionate session collapses into the sea.
2. Move Bak Plijs!
Ever woken up with a stiff back? It’s a horrible feeling isn’t it?
Fortunately, that’ll never stop you from getting your freak on again, thanks to this innovative Maltese move. Kneel yourself down comfortably, bend your babe over in the classic doggy-style position, and hit ’em with this classic Maltese mating call. Close your eyes and let them do all the work – they won’t be able to resist the power of the timeless phrase.
3. Go Back To Your C**try
Congrats, you pulled a hot foreigner. Downside – you’ve got work in 20 minutes and s/he’s asking you to get breakfast.
4. Il-Kbir Għadu Ġej
A lovely drop of good old-fashioned foreplay.
“Honey, we’ve been at this for hours! Are you going to come or not?”
6. It-Torri L-Aħmar
Pop a plastic sheet over the bed and rubber it up good. There’s no such thing as a wrong time of the month.
7. The Bendy Bus
When you talk a big game but just end up disappointing everyone.
But it’s okay, because you can tell yourself you were just too big for the road, smashed a ton of blocks, and were generally on fire.
8. Il-Kaxxa Infernali
When there’s a big party going on downstairs, so you and your boo can sneak off to your parents’ bedroom and let the party noise cover up your explosive finish.
9. Is-Suq Tal-Belt
This one usually happens on your first weekend away together.
You realise that with so much time, space and opportunity around you, you can go around the room and try a little bit of everything. You’ll probably start off traditionally with some Kbir Għadu Ġej, but before you know it, you’ll be slipping in for a long, athletic session of Reverse Bidwi, and at some point, someone will probably Azure Window.
10. The In-Transit-My-Dijer
Two words: Road Head.
11. Ħadd Għalik
What better name for drunk sex in Malta? No one really knows what’s going on, there’s a lot of laughter and giggling happening, and it seems like a good time… but if you sit back and really think about, you realise the entire event was complete trash.
12. Madonna Madonna No!
When you’re having a romantic make-out session under the covers, and ya girl tries to spice it up by surprising you with a finger round the back end.
13. The Karl Stennienibarra
Of course Malta’s most serious journalist gets a shoutout. He’s the absolute king of Golden Showers; there’s no one better at taking the piss.
More into group stuff? Don’t worry – we’ve got you covered too!
14. The Paceville
When you go around intending to hit every hole and just end up settling into one you find most comfortable (or affordable).
Bonus points if you spent five seconds at a few different locations and then just go back and spend the rest of the night at the first one.
15. The 17 Black
For all your interracial gangbang fantasies. Bonus points if you pump loads of money into setting it up and then keep the whole event a secret.
16. Central Link
When you gather up all your friends and have a giant f***ing circlejerk.
17. The Shower-Time-Bro!
I guess summer is bukkake season?
Can’t get laid? Try these ones
18. The Birdlife
When you post on Facebook to complain every time your neighbour shoots a load into his bird. Bonus points if she’s wearing a flamingo costume.
Masturbation – with style.
Slather the pole with something slippery, and start running all over it to get the prize at the end.
BONUS: The Lovin Malta
Think of us every time you drop some Maltese sausage into your pastizz, and bonus points if you toss some ġbejna in there too.