Christmas is a wonderful time, a time for family and friends, for celebrating love and for stuffing our faces with unhealthy hypercalorific food. It’s also a time for giving. As every newspaper, magazine, radio and TV station is blaring out to you, you are obliged to spend all the savings you may have accrued in 2016 on stuff to distribute to your nearest and dearest.
And we love doing that. Getting someone you care about something that they absolutely love but didn’t even know they wanted has to be one of the greatest feelings ever. But how about the less straightforward situations? Here are some Christmas present dilemmas which you may or may not have encountered:
1. Your Boss
This guy hassles you day in day out to complete tasks, with scant regard for your delicate sensibilities. He controls your income and inhabits your nightmares. Yet, come December, there’s always the same problem: what to get the despot.
As office discussions vacillate between getting a nice hamper for him to enjoy with family and friends and a nice dildo for him to fuck himself with, you finally settle on letting the most junior office worker trek through Valletta on a rainy day to choose something for him. “Make sure you send us a picture on Whatsapp!” you exclaim, whilst turning off notifications for your “Office Fun n Games” group. Then Sarah chimes in and squeaks: “How much are we collecting għid? 75 each?” Are you totally batshit insane, woman?! As Payroll Manager, you should know I don’t hold that kind of cash.
2. Your Better Half
You’re saving up for your trendy Valletta apartment, so you can both finally move out of mummy’s house and fornicate in the comfort of your own home. This means that, this year, you’ve decided not to spend a lot of money on gifts because, after all, it’ the thought that counts.
So you buy her an Accessorize belt costing €10, because it’s cheap and trendy. She then buys you a Piaget wristwatch that costs as much as the deposit you put down on aforementioned flat. Guess who’s spending Boxing Day frantically looking for her “real” gift? Hint: you.
3. Your Cleaner
She’s the person who’s seen your dirty underwear and the boogers you leave stuck to the underside of your desk. Every week, she transforms your crusty bachelor pad into a crusty bachelor pad with less dust. But, let’s face it, you pay her handsomely for her work, right?
So your relationship is just business, and you have no time for shopping anyway. Cetta gets crossed off the gift list. Then she turns up on her usual Thursday with tears in her eyes because she’s been laid off at her “real” job and her daughter is pregnant. She sobs as she hands you a box of After Eights which is her gift to you. You’re an absolute bastard, Ebenezer Scrooge.
4. All Your Family
You have seventy-six cousins, twenty-four nephews and nieces and about fourteen grandparents. This year, Aunty Doris decided that we’re not doing Christmas presents. Instead we’re giving money to a charity of our choice. You’re quite relieved as you log onto your internet banking and try to decide whether you’re going to give a hundred euro to a snow leopard or a factory worker in Laos.
Then you traipse off to Nanna’s house, where everyone brings out the gifts. It seems Aunty Doris doesn’t have a say in these matters anymore, since she passed away last week.
5. Your One-Year-Old
They’re your reason for living, and you’d give anything to make them happy. But, seriously, the plump pink thing that will one day inherit your comic book collection lives in a happy daze of milk, dummies and full nappies. They don’t know anything about the true meaning of Christmas, so they don’t really need another anatomically incorrect stuffed elephant, do they?
Cue Christmas Day and logging onto Facebook, to find the wall of “Fun Loving Mums” full of heavily Instagrammed snaps of toddlers ignoring expensive toys. Totes adorbs, and btw, you’re a cheap, bad parent.
6. Your Best Friend
If you’re a guy, you’ve probably known this man since you were little children. You’ve shared loads of experiences, and possibly a few girlfriends too. Besides your mum, he’s possibly the only person who’s seen you cry.
So you buy him a small gift, just to show him you still care. Next day Elton shows you a text he’s received from Ron (your BFF). “Guys, naħseb Dave gay.” So much for friendship.
7. Your Postman
This man brings you tidings of joy from all over the world, and your electricity bill. He braves your Pomeranian’s teeth whenever he drops a letter through your letterbox, and you’ve had quite a few interesting conversations about Man United with him.
You ask your wife: “Should we get Ivan anything for Christmas?” She smiles sweetly and answers: “I’ve already taken care of him. Don’t worry.” Ivan gives you a thumbs up as you glare at him through your window.