Break ups are hard. Your self-esteem plummets, your friends hate you because you can talk about nothing else, and your tolerance for anyone else in love is completely oblitherated. At least you can take emotional refuge in the knowledge that in Malta you can totally escape any memory of your past love, avoiding any triggers that might send you spiralling into an abyss of despair…
Nope. Inaccurate. Here are all the ways it’s impossble to escape your ex in Malta:
1. You have exactly the same friends
And they’re not going to pick a side. So one of you has either stay home for life, find new friends, or meet your ex.
2. You live ten minutes away from each other
Popping out for some milk has never been a more perilous errand. You either have total reconstructive surgury to your face, or you risk meeting your ex.
3. You made memories everywhere on the island
Remember how much you used to love watching sunset at Riviera bay? Yup, that morsel of joy has been destroyed forever. Same goes for that bench in Valletta, cakes in Mdina, walking on the Sliema promenade, etc. The list doesn’t end. You either have to move to Gozo (but there was that time you shared a plate of spaghetti rizzi in Xlendi!), or face memories of your ex.
4. Facebook is fucking unforgiving
Try as you might to avoid your ex’s Facebook profile, your feed is flooding with pictures of her/him in group selfies having the best time anyone on this planet ever had. Your only option is to leave the house. Where you’ll run into your ex.
5. Work isn’t even safe
Somehow, at some point, you will end up doing business with your ex’s uncle. You either need to switch to freelance and work from home, or sit in meetings everyday with someone related to your ex.
6. Your family are a nightmare
Forget family gatherings – they are where discretion and subtlety go to die. Ten thousand questions about why you’re no longer with Sarah/Jason. “Arukaża – she/he’s from a good family ta”. Ditch the relatives and go hang with your friends. Where you’ll meet your ex.
7. Low-key activities might be the answer
It’s fine, you can just spend every Saturday night at the cinema until you’re feeling better. As you sit down and get ready to dig into your one true love – buttery, salty popcorn – your ex’s face is plastered all over the gigantic cinema screen. Of course, you’d forgotten that ad campaign he/she had modelled for. Why are we so keen on encouraging local talent ffs?! I guess I’ll just spend the next two hours here, in darkness, thinking of my ex.