What Would These 8 Classic Musical Theatre Songs Be Like If They Were Set In Malta?
The musical theatre bug has definitely been digging in to the island lately, with everything from Mamma Mia to Cats taking the stage within the span of a year. As someone who considers themselves to be very much involved in this musical-mania, I decided to take it upon myself to localise some popular musicals and inject some Maltese traits into their soundtracks.
I know nobody asked for this, but I’m doing it anyway. Let’s go.
1. Big Spender from Sweet Charity
In this steamy track, ‘partners-for-hire’ in an old Times Square dance hall try to squeeze some bucks out of the dweebs in attendance. But in our case, it’s about Chris Cardona and his receipts.
The minute you walked in the joint
I could see you were a man of distinction
A real big spender
Good lookin’ so refined
Say, wouldn’t you like to go on a really expensive vacation with me?
2. Popular from Wicked
Bubbly Good Witch Glinda gives the gloomy Elphaba a lesson on how to be popular. All of this advice can be appropriated into a step-by-step guide on how to get a promotion in Malta.
Think of celebrated heads of state,
Or especially great communicators
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don’t make me laugh!
They were popular
3. Don’t Rain on My Parade from Funny Girl
Instead of singing about overcoming an evil boss, Barbara Streisand will sing about the troubles of February rainstorms ruining the Carnival floats.
Don’t tell me not to paint
I’ve simply got to
If someone takes a spill
It’s me and not you.
Who told you you’re allowed
To rain on my parade?
4. Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera
There are no lyrics in the Maltese version of this song. The music of the night here in Malta is a cacophony of loud music, car horns, drunk people and construction.
5. One Day More from Les Miserables
I’m turning this power-anthem about the French revolution into a power-anthem about overcoming toxic masculinity and sexual harassment in Malta. Because lord knows we have enough of it.
One day more
Another day that isn’t scandal-free
This never-ending road to controversy
These men who seem to have no shame
Will surely come to know my name
One day more
6. “Good Morning Baltimore from Hairspray
As Tracy makes her way to school on a Monday morning, she laments on the beauty of her home town, Baltimore. Or in her case, Valletta.
Good morning, Valletta
There’s the flasher who lives next door
There’s the bum on his bar room stool
They wish me luck on my way to school
7. Little Shop of Horrors …from Little Shop of Horrors
A song that exposes the truth about what happens behind the closed doors of some of Malta’s favourite massage parlours.
Little shop, little shoppa horrors.
Little shop, little shoppa terror.
Don’t call a cop, because they’re probably involved
No, oh, oh, no-oh!
8. Ease on Down the Road from The Wiz
Instead of colourful characters from the world of Oz, a group of optimistic wardens encouraging you to keep driving down the road, despite the traffic.
Ease on down, ease on down the road
Come on, ease on down
Ease on down the road
Don’t you aim on being
Anywhere on time
Come on, ease on down
Ease on down the road
(You’ll be here for a while)
If you don’t feel like a good old karaoke sesh now, we need to talk
And if you do feel like a karaoke session, allow me to offer you the next best thing.
The Manoel Theatre is hosting a Musical Theatre Weekend in February, where some amazing local singers will be teaming up with a few West End stars and the Welsh Musical Theatre Orchestra for a double bill of all your favourite Broadway and West End classics.
You’re welcome.