Why The Maltese Should Start The Colonisation Effort Of The Other Earths
NASA yesterday announced the discovery of seven Earth-sized planets found orbiting a habitable star that’s 39 light years away. So once we discover how to travel at the speed of light, it’ll only take us four decades to reach them.
Since time is of the essence, we’d like to go ahead and volunteer sending a Maltese team of astronauts to start the colonisation effort. Here’s why we think our compatriots will be perfect for the job.
1. We’re used to living in claustrophobic spaces and seeing the same people everyday
We’re literally pros at living in gabubi and we’re highly trained at making small talk with people we see way too often. Forty years may sound like a long time to be stuck in a space vessel en route to the new planets, but if there’s a nation capable of doing it, it’s us.
2. We can totally survive on shitty dehydrated food
Go on – find us a Maltese person who doesn’t love dried dates, prunes, apricots and tomato.
3. And corned beef…
We freakin love corned beef.
4. Our years of pothole training will make it seem like a smooth ride
Space rocks ain’t got shit on our roads.
5. We could easily handle showering without water
Heck, most of us won’t even bother dabbing ourselves with a fresh cloth.
6. We’ll grow some sick potatoes
Everyone knows potato planting is the first step of colonisation. And with potato blood deep in our veins, we will make Matt Damon look like an absolute newb.
7. And by the time we’re back, nothing would have changed in Malta
Zero culture shock if we ever decide to return.
BONUS: We’d be great colonisers
After thousands of years of being invaded and colonised, we know exactly what to do (build megalithic temples to be enjoyed by future generations) and what not to do (pillage churches and steal historic artefacts).
