We Asked For Your Funniest 'Drunk In Malta' Stories And We Have A Winner

Content may include BDSM and statues in Qormi

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Alcohol and Maltese people really go well together... right up to the moment when they don't. After asking you to tell us your best drunken stories for, boy did y'all deliver. It seems the Maltese have lived up to their tendency to enjoy a drink or seven.

Of all the entries, something about this one stood out from the rest.

"It started at one of the celebrations organised by our local kazin. We'd meet up and have a few drinks, and at this time of year we'd always take our celebrations to another village."

"The village we chose that year was Qormi."

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"Somewhere along the way I got very drunk on tequila and the rest is a bit of a blur. The summarised version is quite simple. I ended up climbing up the statue of San Bastjan (St. Sebastian) and screaming at the top of my lungs."

But what was so important that this person felt the need to reach such high ground to shout? Well, it seems San Bastjan himself was the target.

"I climbed up and just started screaming 'I WANT TO BONDAGE HIM' [sic]"

Congrats! San Batsjan's terrible experience has won you a prize from Pressh, Fresh Juices.

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The runner up is also extremely amusing, not just because of the story, but cos of the insistence of the writer to call his penis 'dongungus'

"After my first week of studies, we went out as a class and I was trying to impress my new friends. We met next to the Valletta fountain when suddenly, I saw two ex drinking buddies of mine."

"They came up to me and we had fun talking and all and I decided to tell them to join us. Obviously I quickly broke my promise to not overdo it, and went to buy two bottles of vodka. I'm a major lightweight, so it was around this point that my memory gets a little hazy. Thankfully my friends are more than happy to all in the gaps."

Simpsons Bender Drunk

"Turns out I broke my personal record and drank a whole bottle like it was a bottle of water. The next day I woke up to my parents staring at me, raging. My first thought was, what the fuck did I do? They tell me to go look at a mirror, where I see half my face covered with scratches a black eye a swolen lip."

"Desperately, I send a msg to my friends and the response shocked me. 'Bro, you fell one story onto a rocky beach, screaming that you're sad because you have a small dongungus (censoring everything). Then you passed out, woke up wanted to pee, got your dogungus stuck between your zip and called a friend to help you out, (who btw confirmed that you had a small dongungus)'. Heavy."

"The next week was the worst school week of my life, I spent the whole time walking around campus with a hoodie hiding half of my face. Never touched vodka again, amen, hallelujah."

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To be honest, we've all been there, and there's something magnetic about San Bastjan - but perhaps a little more prudence would go a long way. At least take him out to dinner first. And if you're gonna whip out your dongungus, make sure you're able to zip it back in.

If you have a drunken story you'd like us to feature (anonymously of course) email it to us on [email protected]

Tag a friend who's done a lot worse

READ NEXT: The Six Maltese Stages of Being Drunk

Written By

Chucky Bartolo

If there's no Mariah Carey GIF or reference to Eurovision in this article, just assume they've been edited out against my will.