When you’re living away from your birthplace incessant trips to and from Malta for your cousin’s wedding, nephew’s baptism, or your only single friend’s 30th birthday party, can get a bit tedious. But not Christmas.
You’re always mildly thrilled to come home for the most joyful season of them all. And as tradition would have it, there are a few things you always do before, during and after your homecoming.
1. Buy ALL of Primark
When in doubt, an assortment of unisex Minions socks should suffice for any last minute gatherings before you set off on your travels home. You can’t wait to see the look on the faces of your other half’s third cousin’s kids!
2. Listen to “Driving Home For Christmas” and get all emoshe.
Ok so it’s more like “flying home for Christmas” but you KNOW you’ll do this.
3. Book a hotel (even if it’s just for one night)
You’ve promised yourself this year you’ll have a relaxing Christmas break. You don’t want to hurt your mother-in-law’s feelings but her bursting into the bedroom at 7am “biex innaddaf” is not your idea of a Winter island retreat.
4. Get anxious about being gay
5. Perfect your clipped British accent
We all know you and zija Mer speak Maltese at home in South London. Those “mejq”s don’t make you sound like a true Brit, they make you sound like a bit of a twat.
6. Re-learn the laws of the land
Ah yes, the queue jumping nanniet at Gatwick are reminders that Maltese people don’t bother with such unnecessary frivolities like waiting their turn.
7. Check off your “to buy” list
Buy everything you need that you can only get on Amazon three weeks in advance and pay for an extra suitcase. It’ll be worth it.
8. Have a Mcdonald’s breakfast at the airport
You don’t normally start your day the fast food way but who knows when your next one will be?
9. Buy a pastizz. And a Cisk. As soon as you arrive. Even if you’re teetotal and diabetic.
First thing’s first!
10. Smile to yourself when you hear someone speak Maltese
Like the high-pitched whistle that only dogs can hear, Maltese is the DON of all secret languages. Even if it’s “25 EURO GĦAL BAGALJI! IŻ-ŻOBB!!!” #cute
11. Wave at your extended family when you come down the escalators
EVERYONE is there. At 2am. Including all the adorbs babies you’ve never met, iz-zija Lina s-soru, the family dog and someone you just don’t recognize for the life of you. They’ve got balloons, and signs. Just in case you get lost at JFK. I mean MIA.
12. Cringe. A lot.
Oh my god how is this Christmas TV? And why are their father Christmases hanging off everyone’s balconies? Pah! #straightouttabethlehem
13. Answer some inevitable questions
No my life hasn’t changed since Brexit, yes it’s fucking freezing, and no I’ve never met a terrorist/Prince Harry.
14. Get properly concerned about Malta’s over-development
Oh, my dear Malta, what have they done?
15. Get seriously homesick when you leave
Why did I ever leave?