The 6 People You’ll Meet At Your ‘Kors Ta’ Kana’
You’ve bent the knee and attacked
your account balance, and finally, to nanna’s delight, you’re getting married.
But, as you traipse around the island sorting out venues and catering and
trying to decide which band will best play Black Eyed Peas covers as your
spinster aunt drunkenly pinches the best man’s bottom, one thing you may forget
to factor in is the kors ta’ Kana.
This is a series of meetings and discussions which you have to undergo if you
wish to be joined together in holy matrimony by the Roman Catholic Church here
in Malta. They’re spread over a number of weeks (or years if you’re Gozitan)
and are a cause of much hilarity, as evidenced in the following scenario:
Friend: “Ġej <insert random Hugo’s venue> insiru ċappa?”
You: “Le, għandi l-kors.”
Everyone: “Lol.”
However, besides helping you
develop spiritually and as a couple, these jamborees also make you meet people
you may never have come across in your secular life.
1. The Leader
This chap is the one who makes it
happen. He holds the key, he rolls the dice, he has the complete process’ gonads securely held in a vice-like grip. His experience of the opposite sex
may be limited to the old ladies with faint moustaches who pass around the collection
bowl at Mass, but it doesn’t really matter. He is the one who will moderate
your discussions and spread the wisdom out over the course of the kors.
You’ll love him when:
He agrees to be the one to marry
you (since the only other priest you know is Fr Frans, your ex-PE teacher who
was not fond of showering).
You’ll hate him when:
He asks you when the last time
you went to Confession was.
2. The Teacher’s Pet
She spends the entire session
gazing adoringly at the Leader. She nods sympathetically every time an anecdote
about life strikes a chord, and that means every
time. She snorts and guffaws at every mildly amusing story about burning
toast or dirty dishes is recounted. She’s basically Hermione.
You’ll love her when:
She takes over the whole
conversation and allows you to slip into a hungover stupor.
You’ll hate her when:
She asks everyone to hold hands
and say a short prayer together.
3. The Veterans
These guys are collectively on
their fourth kors. He’s already been
engaged to someone else and she’s had to return two rings. This time it’s
different though, and true love has finally found them. This time it’s forever.
Probably.
You’ll love them when:
They let you in on the tricks to
hurry discussions along. “Meta nitkellmu
fuq is-sex, tgħidulux li tlajtu Għawdex flimkien!”
You’ll hate them when:
They’re thinking of breaking it
off and use the Kana sessions as couple therapy.
4. The Busy Couple
He’s running a short lets
company. She’s a very fashionable tax lawyer. Between them, they own five
mobile phones and he wears a Bluetooth earpiece. They’re trying to get married
as quickly as possible, because għandu biċċa
xogħol dieħla f’Marzu and she can’t postpone her clients one more time.
You’ll love them when:
They provide invaluable
information about how to get a catering discount because they know some shady
secrets about the cook’s sister.
You’ll hate them when:
You miss the Xarabank Eurovision edition because they’re late and they’ve held
up the meeting. Again.
5. The Healthy Inquirer
You pretty much have your shit
together when it comes to this course. You know that extramarital sex is bad
and that you shouldn’t beat your partner and that going to sleep with an
unresolved argument is a bad idea…. but this guy questions it all.
Why is coitus interruptus ok, but condoms not?
What did St Paul actually mean when he said women should obey their husbands?
What happens when she can’t cook mummy’s timpana
in exactly the same way?
You’ll love him when:
You slip in a cheeky Sudoku during
one of his interminable arguments.
You’ll hate him when:
You have to schedule in an extra meeting because
the syllabus hasn’t been covered.
6. The Latecomers
Whilst you may have
surreptitiously unhooked her bra that one time at Pembroke, this couple have
gone the whole hog. Many times. They’ve lived together for the past six years
and have three children, the eldest of whom is doing her “O” levels later this
year. They’ve decided to finally seal the deal before Jesus, and they’ve chosen
your group to prepare themselves with.
You’ll love them when:
She shoots daggers out of her
eyes at his smirk during the “safe period” discussion.
You’ll hate them when:
Their baby shits itself at the beginning of the
session and you have to deal with the aroma for two hours.
