Here at Lovin Malta we love our Maltese animal buddies. But it seems like we only focus on two types of pets: dogs and cats. And, let’s face it, these are the main companion beasts that we humans tend to cherish.
But what if we had to spread our net wider? There are so many niches that remain unfilled…until now. Here are a few pets that would do well in our Maltese lifestyle:
A resilient beast, known to climb almost vertical surfaces in search of nourishment in arid conditions. But why Malta? We hear the confused masses cry. Simple. Whereas walking your Pomchi along Triq il-Keffa is bound to end up with either one of your combined six legs getting sprained or broken, or the entire creature being engulfed by a gargantuan pothole; your friendly caprine buddy will merrily leap across the tarmac deficit and bleat a gleeful song of joy as he does so.
The latest status symbol on our roads is a massively impractical luxury car, which succumbs to a few thousand Euro of damage every time it goes over a speed bump.
Just imagine how cool it would be if you could say “daħħaltlu Jaguar ġdid!” and then release a large vicious South American cat onto your envious peers.
A massive mofo of a lizard – the dragon that feeds off flesh, which it obtains by nefarious means. It lies in waiting, until an unsuspecting victim such as a deer comes along. It then rears its saurian head and snaps at Bambi’s leg. The deer hops off, irate at the intrusion but still alive. Not for long. The lethal bacteria in the Komodo dragon’s saliva infect the poor bastard and it slowly succumbs to the zillions of microbes which multiply in its bloodstream.
A few days later, Drogon (I’m calling mine Drogon) comes across the putrefying corpse of our poor casualty and settles down for a feast of rotting meat. An ugly leathery being whose poisonous tongue inflicts flesh wounds which eventually kill their victim, and then feeds on the remains? Sounds like Drogon would be at home at your great-aunt’s rummy nights.
A brightly-coloured flightless bird, this feathered beast is the closest to a Velociraptor we’ve got. Cassowaries have sharp dagger-like claws, which can disembowel anyone stupid enough to attack them.
One to let loose on all the law-breaking poaching scum who feel so manly when they gun down a kestrel or two as they seek refuge on our shores.
This scaly beast can curl itself up into an impenetrable ball when it feels threatened. It is also capable of emitting a noxious smell from its anal glands which distracts any potential predators.
Bound to become a quick favourite with our politicians, who are also impenetrable to any prosecution and respond to any threat by spreading a stink about their adversaries.
This animal is one kinky fucker (literally). Bonobos lead highly sexual lives, where nookie is traded as social currency. Boy on girl, girl on girl, boy on boy, anything is game in Bonobo society.
Perfect pet to drag along to your nights at Havana.