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Embrace ‘Em! Malta’s Racehorses Have Some Questionable Names (To Say The Least)

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Maltese horse names are weird. We seem to put about as much thought into naming our racing steeds as Rose from Birżebbuġa did when welcoming Shaznaja into the world.

Remember that game you’d play as a kid where you tell a story in a circle and each person takes turn with choosing the next word? You can do that, too, with horse names.

But first, we have this icon:

Do you reckon the owner was hungover at the time?

Speaking of hangovers, we really need to talk about the invasion of Swedes that Malta is currently going through.

Because with the current influx of iGaming residents in St Julian’s, we really just ought to…

‘Cos you never know – you might end up getting some

Just be sure to use protection so you won’t end up having to file a…

… when your baby arrives nine months later and Jürffvèlljensänson hasn’t bothered to step up to the plate.

Then we have a few horses we can group together, in a category we’d like to call ‘Points Out The Unobviously Obvious‘:

And orange ain’t so new anymore, either.

Ah, there you are. Almost lost you.

And you know when someone says something is very, very, very something? This is what they mean:

Now that we’re all well-versed in the understanding of how to read a horse’s name, I’d like to introduce my life’s work:

Once upon a time, there was a person (because it’s 2019 and we don’t assume gender) and a…

One day, they decided to sell the melon. It was a magic one, after all, so they ended up with a few big…

… to…

Because of their new source of income, they started buying all sorts of pointless items. Designer handbags, flashy cars, u hekk. One might have even said that they were an…

The end.

The name is still a few letters shy of 18 characters, so it must have been an intentional spelling error, right?

BONUS: This gem.

He’ll be Cummin ’round the racecourse when he comes.

Yes, it took all of our strength and willpower to us that iteration of the word ‘come’. Yes, we are done highlighting Malta’s horse names… for now.

Which horse name was your favourite?

WATCH NEXT: This Short Film On Maltese Horse-Racing Is The Most Quirky Thing You’ll See Today

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