You’ve made it. Somehow you’ve survived the flaming obstacle course that is getting a bank loan. Patiently counted down the days till the contract was signed. Made your way to the bank’s slightly terrifying head office to sign on the dotted line. Keys in hand. Holy shit.
1. Your first night will be rough
After what has probably been another exhausting day of moving your stuff, trying to make a dent in the apparently endless supply of dust, and giving your mother the grand tour, you’ll go to bed. If you’re expecting a nice restful sleep, you’re gonna have a bad time. Here’s why:
15% Thoughts of ‘Oh my god I’m sleeping in my own house!’ rolling around in your head
15% Thoughts of ‘Oh dear god what have I done?!’
15% Thoughts of ‘Am I a grown-up now? Should I give away my Pokemon cards?’
10% ‘Damn, this new mattress is hard…’
45% WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
You’ll quickly learn what kind of nocturnal noises your home and your neighbours make. But that first night? You’ll probably pee yourself a bit every time you hear the tiniest noise.
2. Your house is never truly ‘ready’
I’m not just talking about cosmetic home improvements you randomly come up with while browsing Pinterest (though there will be plenty of those, promise). I’m talking about somehow not realizing that the previous owner obviously lived in the dark 90% of the time and having to pay an electrician large sums to money to put in a couple sockets. I’m talking about the newly installed coving randomly coming loose at 1:00 am, nearly braining the dogs and giving you a small heart attack. There’s always something…
“No one will enjoy listening to you talking about how you single-handedly regrouted your bathroom. Similarly, we don’t need whole Facebook albums showing the process.”
3. You need to reel it in a little
No one will enjoy listening to you talking about how you single-handedly regrouted your bathroom. Similarly, we don’t need whole Facebook albums showing the process.
While being proud of your purchase and the hard work that went into it is totally normal, it doesn’t need to be the topic of 100% of your conversations 100% of the time.
To the people who have already been through the process, it’s familiar but old news. To the people who have not made the leap yet and have no intention to, it’s boring. And to the people who are still in the middle of that Spartan Race of getting their dream off the ground, it is a legitimate reason to kill you.
4. You will lose stuff
Even if you are one of those super organized types who label their moving boxes (this is a good idea, by the way), you will lose things in the move. It’s inevitable. It can range from your copy of a favourite novel or a beloved sweatshirt.
It’s probably a good thing Franco Debono never moved out of his mother’s place or we’d never have gotten to see those school certificates.
5. You are about to learn a lot…
Did you know that the plural of hasira is hsajjar? Or that there are that many types of waterproofing? Or that your Significant Other likes to sing songs from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack in the bath when they think no one is home?
“You never quite appreciate the value of clean counter-tops until it’s your job to clean them.”
You will learn so much over the first year of living in your new home, including, but not limited to: the Maltese words for random architectural features, your own willingness to take another cold shower because you missed the gas man again, and that sweet, sweet sense of justice when you report that wanker down the street for putting out his garbage at 4pm on a Sunday night.
Nothing is going to come of reporting it (did you know local councils are actually completely toothless on this issue?) but it sure does feel good.
6. … including about yourself
You never quite appreciate the value of clean counter-tops until it’s your job to clean them. A lot of us (read: the functioning adults) may not find it a huge shock to move out on our own and do our own laundry.
But even the most put-together person will learn new things about themselves. Relevant and actual examples include feeling a tiny bit anxious when you run out of ice, a panicked and instant flurry of sweeping when something falls to the ground, re-organizing your library seven different ways till you find a system you like, and/or finding out that your shoes have to be lined up just so in the hallway… or the whole house is ruined.