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Shit That Was Said During Sex-Ed Classes In Malta

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When it comes to the birds and the bees, we all have a very distinctive memory. Getting “the talk” might’ve been really helpful, full of dire warnings, or just plain confusing. 

Here’s some shit that was said during sex-ed classes in Malta… straight from people who remember (but probably wish they didn’t). 

1. Priests calling sex “l-affari”

Way to introduce the most natural natural cycle in humanity by not even referring to it by its name. This isn’t the Dark Lord Voldemort, you know.

2. “Tampooons” (rhymes with “harpoons”)

It’s a little disheartening if the person who’s supposedly teaching you about all of this doesn’t really know how to pronounce some of the most basic words involved. 

3. “A is for Abstinence”

A classic in Maltese schools. We’re not saying we should be telling children to run off and start experimenting, but is it really fair to start the discussion at an already-negatively-tinged unbalance? 

4. “You can get pregnant from heavy petting”

To this day, we’re not quite sure what that means, but that’s a legit thing that was reportedly said in a Maltese school. We’ll leave it up to your imagination… actually, no.

5. The not-so-subtle homophobia

Some Maltese schools had it better than others when it came to this, but with so many catholic schools around, you can imagine what was said behind closed doors. 

Cue a PSD teacher saying “omosesswali” in a way that sounded like he was talking about a demon.

6. “It’s called sleeping together because the daddy and the mummy sleep while the daddy is still insider her”

Oh wow, way to drop the ball on that one. 

So you managed to get to the whole penetration part, but then fumbled with the actual act of intercourse? 

We’re also pretty sure that would lowkey count as sexual assault. 

7. The STD Powerpoint presentations

Scarring is an understatement.

A definitely vital part of sex-ed, the introduction of sexually transmitted diseases and infections into the discussion seemed to be more of a scaremongering tool.

Many a young Maltese teenager grew up thinking that if he sticks his penis anywhere naughty, he’s going to end up with a sunflower for a sex organ.

What other shit do you remember being said during your sex-ed classes? Let us know in the comments below!

READ NEXT: 7 Places All Maltese People Have Been Caught Having Sex

Lovin Malta's Head of Content, Dave has been in journalism for the better half of the last decade. Prefers Instagram, but has been known to doomscroll on TikTok. Loves chicken, women's clothes and Kanye West (most of the time).

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