The time has come! Sick of all the divisiveness that has conquered Maltese hearts, Emperor Joseph has called for a befitting solution. From now on, all rivalries shall be settled by combat to the death.
The rabid crowds rub their fists with glee as the combatants take to the arena for the first ever edition of Maltese Celebrity Deathmatch!
1. Franco Debono vs Jeffrey Pullicino Orlando
Franco struts in and unleashes a barrage of high pitched expletives. Jeffrey pulls out a ceramic tea cup and shields himself with it. Franco attempts to smother his opponent with his Form 2c mid-term exam results. Jeffrey rolls out of reach, calls up Evarist Bartolo and holds a press conference about how cruel the world is.
It’s a tie, since both contestants keep bowing and strutting and refuse to leave the arena.
2. Charles Scicluna vs Gordon Manche
Dubbed “The Battle of the Pastors”, this encounter promises to be brutal. Gordon executes a high kick, his form carefully crafted through years of ballet training. Charles swoops under Gordon’s pointed limb and uppercuts him in the nuts. Gordon attempts to parry with a gay conversion swipe, but Charles turns the other cheek and foils his plan.
WINNER: Archbishop Scicluna
The crowd goes wild and promises to go back to Mass next Sunday…or maybe the one after.
3. Mario Demarco vs Simon Busuttil
Simon walks into the arena grinning and waves at the crowd. Mario is nowhere to be seen. Simon walks around, shaking hands and simpering. Mario walks out quietly through one of the arena doors and stands sullenly in the shadows. Simon walks over to the fence separating him from the crowd and tries to jump over, but gets stuck.
WINNER: Beppe Fenech Adami
Beppe swoops in riding a dragon, which releases a massive load of flaming dragon shit onto both combatants.
4. David “Ozi” Borg vs Jason “Jay” Zammit
A true heavyweight bout, this battle does not bode well, since initially both warriors refuse to fight, citing their friendship as an objection. The Emperor raises the stakes by offering burgers to the winner and the carnage begins. Jay yells an incorrect fact, but Oz blocks it and blasts him back with an angry rant. The arena’s foundations rumble as their bass tones cause untold damage to the masonry.
He’s just that little bit angrier.
5. Hugo Chetcuti vs Tommy Diacono
In the battle to crown the burger king, these two tattooed entrepreneurs face off in an epic struggle. Tommy kicks off the battle by unleashing a fantastic Instagram campaign making the viewers salivate as they are treated to images of shocking food porn. He follows this up by flinging sharp beef ribs towards Hugo. Hugo calmly picks up his phone and makes a call. The arena becomes Hugo’s Colosseum and Tommy is forced to leave.
WINNER: Hugo Chetcuti
The crowd cheers as they’re handed 2-4-1 cocktails
6. Claudette Pace vs Claudette Buttigieg
This temporally anomalous spat sees the Eurovision hopeful sparring with the Shadow Minister for Health. Things get nasty quickly, as Pace belts out a twenty note cascade, hitting Buttigieg with contralto, alto and mezzo-soprano all at one go. Buttigieg whips out her medical dictionary and tries to protect herself, but to no avail. Pace’s vocal fry pierces the book and Buttigieg falls to the ground senseless.
WINNER: Claudette Pace
The crowd cheers as the singer kicks dust over the unconscious form of the parliamentarian.
7. Daphne Caruana Galizia vs Glenn Bedingfield
The mortal enemies face off. Daphne makes the opening move by spewing forth a stream of bile. But Glenn deftly mops it up using his paycheck issued by the Prime Minister’s office. Daphne tried to skewer Glenn using her poison pen, but the pen is lost in one of Glenn’s chins. Glenn releases his awful grammar warriors, but Daphne is instantly surrounded by her International Network of Spies who protect her. This battle seems to be going nowhere until…
WINNER: Lou Bondi
Lou announces Status Quo, the halftime act, which interrupt the proceedings. He obliviously strums rhythm guitar in the background, not realising that his amp is switched off.