Football, the universal force that unites peoples across the land. There are very few pastimes which inspire such raw passion, heartbreak, relief and ecstasy, football does this in the space of 90 minutes.
With Malta going crazy for the Premier League every year and a good half of the population having a favourite club they prefer over literally everything else in life, here’s a handy guide to figuring out what your friend’s favourite English team says about them.
The friend that never sits down the full 90 minutes to watch the game.
Typically munching on pastizzi and telling stories of how drunk they got last night. They’ll never stop believing they’re the best thing to happen to football, especially since Abramovich bought them back in 2003.
“Aw, remember the Istanbul 2005 final?”
Yes, we’ve seen the videos. Well done, good game. Typically the friend that took History O’level and aced it. Can be seen every Sunday with the whole family at the table, as tradition is always the most important part of their life.
If you look into your friends eyes and see horror, terror, misery, deprivation, agony, and maybe a small subtle glimmer of forbidden hope, you can be sure they’re an Arsenal fan.
They can typically be sighted after a match taking long walks alone, screaming into the wind and asking themselves why they continue down the same road year after year.
4. Manchester United
If they’re a United fan then they’ll make sure to fucking tell you.
Is there anything louder than a Maltese Manchester United supporter? They’ve got stickers all over their cars, a new kit every season, and an incredible sense of entitlement.
The unfortunate truth is that unless you’re a Manchester United fan, then you hate all Manchester United fans.
5. Manchester City
The friend who was never interested in football up to a couple of years ago, until they joined you for a Cisk over a game which Man City happened to win.
Even though they’ve never actually seen a football game on the TV, they’re always the first to send a message to your WhatsApp group boasting post-victory.
It’s always fun to ask them to name two players on their team before 2010, watch them stutter and fret, before they down that beer and tell you to piss off.
If your friend has ever tried to speak to you through the blasting music in Havana about some guy called Harry Kane and this year feeling like their year, then they’re a Spurs fan. And you should run far, far away.
7. Leicester City
That friend who only liked football between 2015 and 2016. Also a massive Andrea Bocelli fan.
The nannu of the group.
Typically supports a flurry of international teams, just to keep their lives interesting.
Forever reminiscing on the days Leeds were the big dogs in the league, they’ll never mention who they really support until Leeds happen to be playing in the later stages of the English cups.