7 Stages Of Every Visit To The Dentist’s In Malta
Your retainer is digging into your tongue. Your wisdom tooth has left you with lockjaw. A string of dental floss is stuck between your teeth. The top third tooth is dangling dangerously after biting a ftira. You can’t put off that filling after yet another bag of mqaret any longer.
Time for that half-yearly (sure…) visit to the dentist.
1. The pre-dentist nerves kick in
You start having dreams about it from a week before… bad dreams.
‘Ejja x’għageb qisek sejjer għall- qatla’
Parent whose own front teeth are hanging by a thread
2. You flick through the year-old ‘Tune In’ and ‘Vida’ hoping to drown out the waiting room noise
There’s the woman complaining ‘Kemm ħa jdum għidli! Ili hawn siegħa!‘ Then there’s the child smashing Playmobil pieces onto the designated children’s table. In the background there’s some dude rambling on on CNN.There’s the mandatory person seemingly oblivious to what’s happening around him until his name is called, at which moment he bolts up from his chair.
You’re left with no choice but to watch the two fish in the tank, or read the weak offering of magazines. The thought of getting your own aquarium briefly crosses your mind.
3. You remember all the prayers from Mużew and you try and use them
It’s that time to look like an overgrown baby idiot with a bib on again. You hope all the scary-looking things on the tray have been washed, sterilised… whatever it is that tooth equipment needs doing.
4. You contemplate whether to open your eyes or not
That is the real question. You have no clue where to look. You don’t want to be the creep staring at your dentist while they’re rooting around inside your mouth.
5. You contemplate at what point in their childhood they decided this was a good career option
Your jaw is being tugged, your spit sucked by the dental suction. You need to swallow but last time you did that, you sounded like Darth Vader.
You wonder what the hell makes anyone possibly want to be a dentist. What a bad childhood they must have had.
6. You find out the intimate details of the assistant’s latest visit to Paceville
You’ve been put in that awkward situation where you’re involuntarily eavesdropping and have no choice but to give an Oscar-deserving performance in keeping a neutral face and act like you’re not listening. So you let your expression fall back to its natural resting bitch face.
Then your mind starts to wonder whether the dentist even knows what he is doing. The trauma he is putting you through. You want to scream ‘Moħħok hawn, ħallik mis-sashimi ta’ Hugo’s Terrace, dent!‘ But you’ve got two tubes in your mouth and the dentist is the one armed with the buzzing tool.
‘Moħħok hawn, ħallik mis-sashimi ta’ Hugo’s Terrace, dent!‘
7. Bumping into your old friends from Sixth Form with your swollen, gerbil-like face
As though it weren’t bad enough being trapped in the elevator with people from other offices in the building and giving them a lopsided smile because of all the anesthetic in your system and cotton wool in your gums, you bump into that kallu you’ve been trying to avoid or ages.
You swear to yourself you’ll never touch sugar again in your life. At least until you crave another milkshake from Jar.