Yes, it would be amazing if video games like Grand Theft Auto were set in Malta. And if not, we could always invent games with a Maltese theme. If, like us, you believe there is very little chance this might happen, worry not. There are already tons of video games out there that are so spot on about Maltese stereotypes that they might as well have been modelled after our archipelago, and here are our favourites, all more than a decade old now!
1. Crazy Taxi
An insane taxi driver goes on a near-supersonic tour around the city trying to get as many trips done in the shortest time possible, ending up in a complete disregard of each and every traffic rule ever devised? Forget what you think about this classic, this one’s definitely all about Malta.
2. Red Card Soccer
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A relatively unknown jewel of the Playstation 2 world, back when we had advanced from pixelated rectangles doubling for human forms. With FIFA and Pro Evolution Soccer slowly building up their decade-long feud, games like Red Card Soccer decided to think outside the box, having a soccer simulator where you could not only kick a ball and send it flying at the speed of sound, but also doing away with red cards and letting you practically karate kick players and go into Matrix-style slow-motion.
An amazingly funny old-school party game that pretty much sums up our national perception of the big game; exaggerated moves, grand illusions of grandeur, and the eventual diminishing into the unknown pages of history.
3. Street Fighter II
Forget the storyline for a second… and also everything about the setting of the original 90s game. Just look at that title for a second – yep, we thought so.
4. Duck Hunt
We did say we wanted a Maltese version of this a while back, but who are we kidding? That version already exists, and it’s the original 1984 classic.
5. Age of Mythology
The original Age of Empires historical strategy games defined a gaming generation, so when a mythological spin-off was announced, it was bound to be a winner from the get-go. The premise was simple – pick a god, offer constant sacrifices, and watch as your civilisation gets stronger and stronger. Then, in one fell swoop, defeat your next-door neighbour because he happens to worship a different god. Basically a summary of most band club wars in Malta.
6. Guitar Hero
Why try to come up with new ways to play and create original songs, when you can cover endless rock classics and pretend you’re a guitar god from a decade when you weren’t even born just by pressing a couple of coloured buttons? Woah, this could’ve literally just been called Maltese Hero and no one would’ve realised.
7. Simcity 2000
A soon-to-be twenty-year-old game with the sole purpose of controlling the economy of a huge island-city and endlessly expand outwards and upwards. Now where have I seen that before in real life…