1. The overburdened boyfriend
Location: usually found slumped outside the changing room, buried in bags and waiting for the sweet relief of their significant other’s credit card being denied.
Beware, full-blown breakdown imminent.
2. The aisle stripper
Location: literally anywhere that isn’t a dressing room. Those queues are far too long, and there is nothing the aisle stripper is too ashamed to try on, right there and then among the clothing racks.
Remember kids, social norms are for squares!
3. The walking high-rise
Location: at every corner you turn. They’ll be there, piling more and more clothes onto the massive heap they carry, greedily keeping you from your precious bargains.
Why stress alone when you can share the misery?
4. The fighter
Location: your worst nightmares. And also.right by the cute outfit you just spotted. They’re ready to spill blood over the outfit, and would rather see it ripped in a comical tug-of-war than let you have it.
You took those pilloxing lessons, you may as well use them.
5. The forgetful aunt
Location: in front of you at the check-out queue, desperately begging the assistant for help. She’s not here for the sales, she’s here to desperately fix her fuck-up.
At least you’re not the nephew she left out.
6. The cheap aunt
Location: anywhere The Salott told her there would be some killer bargains. Why pay full price when you can pretend you left your gifts at home on Christmas day, and reap those sweet January bargains ahead of your next family gathering?
Good luck returning it.
7. The selfies
Location: Miss Selfridge, Topshop, Accesorize – wherever they can try things on and pose with their gingerbread Costa cup, without having to pay for anything.
You’re probably featured in the background of at least 5 tween Instagram snaps.
8. The angry returner
Location: anywhere their lazy secret Santa picked up their gift. They’ll probably be complaining because they can’t exchange the item due to the sale that’s currently underway, which is the only reason they waited this long to return the gift.
Hope you like the 50th unwearable scarf you’ve received this season!
Bonus: OCD shop assistant
The poor souls who aren’t doing any shopping, but angrily flit through the stores trying to retain some semblance of organisation amidst the sale-induced chaos.