Sure, football will not be coming home after all, but this World Cup has certainly been one heck of a ride for England supporters. Starting out with minimal expectations, the team ended up agonisingly close to winning the whole thing, leading its fans on an emotional rollercoaster on the way.

Of course, Malta has a large England support-base and, as the dust starts to settle, these are the stages Maltese England fans must have gone through this tournament.

1. ‘I need to find a second team’

“Right, we’ve been here before. Knowing England, they’re somehow going to manage to lose against Panama and become a laughing stock once again. Who are Loftus-Cheek and Harry Maguire anyway and who on earth is that goalie? Time to hedge my bets. Who else can I support? Brazil or Germany should be a safe bet, Argentina have Messi and Croatia or Mexico could be interesting. One thing’s for sure though, they’ll all do better than Italy!”

2. ‘What’s going on here?’

“England just scored six goals against Panama…I mean, it’s Panama, but it’s also six goals. My second team isn’t doing so well. I wonder….but no, it’s England, they’re going to disappoint as usual. No, I’m not going to get involved, I’m not going to…”

3. ‘IT’S COMING HOME!’

“Did my eyes deceive me or did England just win a penalty shoot-out??? The curse has been lifted!! They have a very easy path to the final too…no ifs or buts, this is fate, football is coming home and that’s it. I need to play the part now…time to listen to those old anthems again, must buy a flag too. Would a waistcoat be taking things too far?

4. ‘Why do I even care so much? ‘

“I mean, even if it does go home, it won’t really go home, will it? I’m not even English, why does this matter to me? If only Malta could qualify to the World Cup one day….but then again, Malta used to belong to England and we speak English here and I’ve been to/lived in London and my grandmother used to be married to an Englishman, so…”

5. ‘IT’S COMING HOME!’

“Oh my god, this is history in the making. England are in the semi-finals for the first time in three decades and the team is just so good. Pickford is actually our best keeper since Seaman, and Maguire is a beast and Kane is just Kane, and all they have to do now is beat Croatia. Time to start honking at every England fan I drive past and put England tunes on the radio. So this is what winning feels like…

6. Complete whirlwind of emotions

“Here we go, right in the middle of a bunch of England fans. This is going to be good. YEESSS, lovely goal! This is actually happening, I need another beer for this. Half-time, almost there, boys. Just keep your cool and…oh, shit, Croatia scored. Come on, England! Forwards not backwards! Sterling’s such a piece of shit, isn’t he? Bring on Rashford. Oh no, extra time, I don’t think I can sit through another penalty shoot-out. Oh, f***, Croatia scored again, please make it to penalties, come on England, now’s the time for heroes, come onnn…ah damn…I should have known..”

7. ‘Well, at least we did better than Italy’

“I didn’t know there were so many Croatians in Malta, why is everyone honking their horns? Are those Italian fans for real? At least we made it to the World Cup and, by the way, why are they even supporting Italy when they bombed Malta in the war? Bunch of losers. Still, this was so so so close…”

Did you go through these stages as an England fan?

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Tim Diacono

Tim is interested in the rapid evolution of human society and is passionate about justice, human rights and cutting-edge political debates. You can follow him on Instagram or Twitter/X at @timdiacono or reach out to him at [email protected]