It’s flu season, which means one thing and one thing only: you’re probably making that awkward call into work letting them know you aren’t coming in today.

However, calling in sick in Malta is a little bit different than in other parts of the world, and there are a number of steps that need to be completed before you can actually like, you know, try and recover.

1. Are you even sick enough?

It’s 7:53am – time to make a decision.

You attained an approximate hour and 27 minutes of sleep throughout the previous night, your sheets are soaked in sweat, and the inside of your throat feels like the Marsa racecourse after a particularly energetic race – dusty AF and like horses have been shitting all in it.

“Is that enough to warrant a sick day though?”

2. Wording your message like your future depends on it – because it literally might

It doesn’t matter what sickness you have – whatever you describe, you must live up to.

If you’re going with the flu, understand you might need to stretch the sick days out to two or even three to make it sound at all believable – ain’t no-one healed from a bad case of the flu in a day, not even Wolverine with his insane healing skills or Fren? tal-G?arb with his magic medicine (ie: Gozitan weed).

If you’re going with fever, you can run to the gym quickly to build up a sweat for that selfie you send to a colleague at work to pass around.

3. Coughing your lungs out when you call because they didn’t see your message

Remember when your mum would call the prefect to say you wouldn’t be coming into school that day?

Well, this ain’t it chief.

Get your deepest lung cough ready and prepare to make your colleague legit feel the phlegm coming out from the depths of your soul via voice message.

4. Deciding whether to stay in and die in bed, or go get medicine and risk being seen

*Puts on oversized shirt, two hoodies and a poncho to go to the pharmacy one block away – we can’t risk being seen by anyone we or our colleagues know*

“One pack of Panadol Cold & Flu please”

5. Watching more daytime Maltese TV than you’ve ever done in your life

Did you know there’s an actual channel called Favourite Channel on Maltese TV? Or that Malta has just as much daytime shopping and soapy dramas as the next South American country?

Well, now you do.

Pictured above: You when you come across the fifth volleyball telethon asking you to donate

6. Ingesting all of your mum’s and nanna‘s flu remedies

You take the two spoons of Calpol from your nanna even though you are 32-years-old and do not have a fever. It makes her happy.

Pictured above: Nanna knows the secrets of a long and happy life

7. Eventually just giving up on everything and going back to sleep

You can deal with everything when you wake up again at 3pm.

BONUS: Ignoring all work-related calls and messages while you recover

Because there’s a silver lining to every dark cloud.

Tag someone who knows the struggle all too well

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Johnathan Cilia

Johnathan is an award-winning Maltese journalist interested in social justice, politics, minority issues, music and food. Follow him at @supreofficialmt on Instagram, and send him news, food and music stories at [email protected]