The weekend’s over. Again. We have to go back to work. Again. And, you know what, it wouldn’t even be so bad. Except for actually getting there. The soul-destroying, ankle-straining, buttock-burning, mind-crushing traffic. As you leave your home in the morning, you resign yourself to the sad fact that the next hour or so will be sacrificed to the cruel bloodthirsty gods of gridlock, and you will never ever have that time back again.
So we’ve tried to come up with a few things that you can do to pass the time whilst stuck in traffic.
1. Get creative
It goes without saying that you’re going to be swearing; either, if you’re a polite and reserved individual, internally or, if you’re normal, out loud, at a volume ranging from a mutter to a tortured scream. But whilst the amateur will satisfy themselves with the bog standard epithets, you can dig deep within yourself and really own the vulgarity. The customary technique is ħaqq or f’għ*** followed by a body part belonging to someone who is usually dead and supposed to be in heaven. You can mix it up by adding animals, inanimate objects, different people, deities and life situations. In this situation, the sky is no longer the limit.
2. Get vocal
Channel your inner Aretha and growl, yodel and belt out your favourite tunes. You can go for it the easy way and just warble along to Bieber on the radio, or else you can prepare your own compilation for the morning. Start with the lower pitched songs to get you nicely warmed up, and time your journey so that, as you slip into your parking spot at work, you’re belting out melodies at the farthest reaches of your vocal range. Don’t be shy, let the parking attendant know that you(ooooooo) will always love hi(iiiiiiii)m!
3. Get rhythmic
Ok, maybe vocals ain’t your forte and you never properly nailed that choir audition. Don’t panic, your musical journey is not doomed. Your place in the morning traffic band is just a little further back: on the drums. Use your fingers to tap out a bouncing beat on your steering wheel. Click your rings against the gear lever for that high hat effect. Don’t be afraid to add some vocal beatbox effects. And if the fever takes you over, why not, let the brass section in as you toot on your horn! Just don’t try any bass drumming, your feet are there to stop you from crashing into the Hyundai Lantra in front of you.
4. Get educated
There are oodles of podcasts and audio books that can be downloaded that you can listen to on your way to work. Learn all about the life cycle of the emperor penguin, find out how aliens actually assassinated JFK or simply brush up on your Roald Dahl as you get your numb backside to its final location. That way, when you get to work, you can give a smug grin to flustered Ramona at the front desk, whose hair is worse for wear since she’s been tugging at it for the 2 hours it’s taken her to get here only 45 minutes late, and chirpily let her know that male emperor penguins can lose up to 12kg whilst they wait for their egg to hatch. How’s your CrossFit class going?
5. Get observant
Yes, you’re stuck in the mechanical equivalent of a sweaty bear hug for the duration of your journey. Yes, the triple espresso you thought was a brilliant idea at the break of dawn is having its twin effect of drilling a hole in your stomach and expanding your bladder to bursting point. Yes, Dave has just phoned in sick, so you know you’ll be spending your day cleaning up the mess he’s created yesterday and is obviously hiding from underneath his quilt at home. But morning traffic is a fabulous time for people watching. Try and estimate the sheer tonnage of booger which Raymond in the white van in front of you has relocated from his nostril to the underside of his seat. Pray that Phyllis’s face reaches the aesthetic standards set by her pert bottom and long legs as she shimmies past in her mini-dress, and curse creatively (see above) when it doesn’t. Try and make out the individual components creating the aroma emanating from the garbage truck you’ve been tailing for about 48 kilometres. The possibilities are only limited by your imagination. Exploit your traffic time!