The 11 Stages Of Rock Climbing in Malta As A Complete Newbie

Shitting your pants doesn't begin to cover it...

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Malta has a lot to offer beyond the usual weekend ħarġa and Paceville pub crawl. You just have to know where to look, particularly if you (present company included) are said basic bitch with a staple weekend ħarġa and Paceville pub crawl. 

So, naturally, we went looking for the most extravagant alternative to a Paceville night out. Rock climbing. Because why the bloody hell not. 

1. Confidence galore

You're doing it. You told all your friends. You're a total badass because you're going to hang off the side of a rock in some valley you've never heard of before. #followmeonInsta

2. The 'ah, shit' moment

*stares up at the four-storey cliff*

Mela mhux hekk

3. Dressing the part

Kickass climbing shoes: check

Helmet that makes our heads look twice their size: check

Harnesses that pinch at our genitals so badly we fear for our future progeny: check, check and ouch

4. Naïve determination

You've watched someone you're pretty sure has never left the house before reach the top of the godforsaken cliff you've visited and to say you're jealous AF would be the understatement of 2018 so far. 

Let's do this. Even if it means we'll never have kids. 

5. 'Bitch, I'm Lara fucking Croft'

You start climbing and honestly, it's not so bad. One metre up, two metres up, you've totally got this. Yay for physical activity. We should totally do this more often. 

6. Slip #1

Literally the worst feeling in the world. You stretched for a handhold you knew deep down your Netflix-and-Chilled-ass would never have caught onto. And, obviously, you slipped down a good two metres. 

7. Don't. Look. Down

In between your insane hyperventilation and your retrospective wonderment at how Rose thought hanging off the back of the Titanic was ever a smart idea, you think: iż-żikk, now what? 

Tgħid I reach for a different handhold, or no, let me just check where my feet are- IL-ĦANINA DINJA HOW HIGH UP WE ARE!

8. Slip #2

Is Jesus real?

9. Accepting you have no upper body strength

Now that you've had time to contemplate your sudden crisis of faith, time to turn to your physical prowess. Your arms are burning so badly you're wondering if you'll ever regain function of your fingers again. 

10. Heading back down

Whether you triumphantly made it to the top, or just lost faith in your ability to hold onto a near-vertical rock way later than you should have, what goes up must come down.

Hang back into the harness, trust that you'll be lowered at a respectable rate, and pray to every deity you can think of that you'll make it back in one piece, preferable with no fractured bones. 

11. Helmet hair

Praise all the Jesuses you're alive. Bar living through your every waking vertiginous nightmare, you're still breathing. 

Then you take your helmet off. Hello walking-talking toilet brush

Tag a pro-climber and an absolute newbie

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Written By

Matthew Baldacchino

GIF aficionado, washing-machine apprentice, and the owner of one solid resting bitch face. Matthew enjoys reading and wine, and is also a big avocado fan.