Where to begin. I try, I really do try to go to the gym and do all these things that everyone else seems to be doing on Instagram – but every time I do, the following occurs:
1. I walk in there and instantly become a judgemental asshole
“Uh, since when did lace become an integral part of active wear? Why is there so much lace and eyeliner in this place? I thought you were supposed to look like shit at the gym. Everyone in this entire room looks like they’re at the soft opening of a roof terrace lounge bar – except for that one awkward-looking girl at the other side of the room in the over-sized t-shirt with the questionable stains on it. Oh wait a minute, that’s a mirror and she’s me. Wow.”
2. Everyone from my work is there
Which means that now I have to sit on that obscene machine where you have to open and close your legs while making full eye contact with Stephen from Accounts. Fucking great. How am I supposed to claim expenses from someone who has seen me in positions that my boyfriend could only ever dream of? Gah.
The problem I have is that, not only am I the most inflexible person on Earth, but I also have the attention span of a 2 year old, so if something isn’t lots of fun, then I’m just not interested. The gym is not lots of fun, therefore I am not interested.
Swinging around in a colourful hammock under the guise of exercise, however? Sign me up!
Trapeze Yoga is brand new to Malta, and classes are held at Lord’s Gym in St Julians. They are run by instructor Rosita, a very friendly, approachable teacher who was amongst the first in Europe to qualify, and is the only certified instructor on the island, so I felt I was in good hands from the start.
This type of yoga focuses on back and spine health, so it’s good for resetting your body if you sit at a desk all day like I do. But, according to the website it’s also “a suspension yoga system great for core strength, functional upper body strength, and balance.“
The best thing about it is, because it’s completely new here, you don’t have the standard clique of 3 or 4 people at the front of the class who are nauseatingly good at it and permanently lodged up the instructor’s ass, refusing to include the rest of the class in their tedious, over-achieving social circle.
Literally no one here knows how to do Trapeze Yoga, so everyone looks a bit ridiculous at times, but no one cares! I’m not a natural at this by a long shot, but I’ve only been to 4 classes and already I am pulling off moves that I haven’t dared try since I was a child for fear of slipping a disc.
And I can’t leave out the best part of the whole class: right at the end when you make a cocoon out of the sling, climb inside, and get 5 minutes of weightless nap time. Win!
So, if you’re looking for something that’s new, fun, un-intimidating, sometimes light, sometimes hard, but always good for body and mind, then come and give it a bash with me! I’m the sweaty one in the corner with the pulsating forehead vein who can’t do the pull-ups.