It’s soon tourist season in Malta, and we all know what that means. The seas will have a thin layer of sunblock on their surfaces again, the buses will be full of people who have no idea where to stop, the streets of Valletta will be flooded by tours and Nordic will be full of Aryan blondes drenched in sweat trying to sing Despacito.
1. The Archeologist
Generally men over the age of 40, these guys are always seen wearing a head-to-toe tan or khaki coloured outfit. Some of them even sport a ponytail, which is a bonus considering their receding hairline.
The archeologist can be found hanging out anywhere on the island, from museums to restaurants. This tan monstrosity however is rarely seen excavating anything other than a plate of spaghetti bil-fenek.
2. The Clueless
This is generally a pack of very blonde, very beautiful family members ranging in ages from 1 to 50+. They travel in packs and are always mindful, however that does not keep them from being the most clueless people we have ever met. The clueless family finds it hard to find places without asking everyone they meet on the way.
3. The Party People
These monsters are found hanging around the Paceville/St.Julians/Sliema area and they cannot hold their liquor for shit. Compared to us Maltese people who have been downing Cisk since the age of 16, these tourists are practically the pussies of Paceville. They are generally seen vomiting, making out, shouting incoherent nonsense or trying to climb the Paceville stairs by holding onto everyone who passes them by.
4. The Bachelor/ette Clan
These are the crazy tourist gangs who come here for one last holiday with their single friends before they get hitched. These guys are trying to reenact The Hangover in a country where in summer, every day is hangover day. We won’t think you’re fun or crazy, we’ll just think that your antics are pretty annoying.
These guys are also seen hanging out in Paceville, and they will most definitely get a Maltese Cross tattooed on their ankle, wrist, back of the neck or left butt cheek.
5. The Photographers
Photoshooting your way through your holiday is the best way to guarantee an unmemorable and unenjoyable trip to whichever country you choose. These people do not look at stuff, fuck that — they just take photos of it. Mnajdra Temples? Fuck that, I’m Instagramming while fake-holding a centuries-old doorway to the temple bro. Mdina? Whatever, I am getting a photo sitting on the stupid karozzini with the parched horses attached to them — I’m in Malta bitch.
6. The Budget Studenti
These studenti try their best to not go over their budget — it’s best reserved for alcohol rather than food or actual necessities. They will not hesitate to share a burger, a bottle of water or a glass of coke. They will not leave tips anywhere, and will always carry around their special EF coupons and cards to get discounts — God forbid they pay the full price for a burger they will share between two.
7. The Lost Souls
The Lost Souls are literally just that. They are the lost children of the planet — these lost puppies are always asking for directions to obscure hotels or streets you’ve never heard of. They will walk up to you and follow you until you acknowledge them and will refuse to use the Google Maps App. We don’t really know what happens to these guys after their flight leaves the island, but legends say that their ghosts haunt the streets of Valletta and Mdina asking random strangers which bus number they need to catch to go to Bubaqra Tower or Kalafrana.
8. The Eat, Pray, Love
These generally come in the shape of middle-aged women trying to find their roots. Their grandmother used to live in Malta during the war, or they were conceived in Gozo — what’s really important to keep in mind about these tourists is that they would like “understand where they’re coming from” and to “find their ancestral roots.”
These adventurous women will see a lot of Malta, they will buy a Maltese cross necklace for themselves and one for each of their family member. They will not ask for directions and will generally never bother anybody. They will manage to make their way to the Marsaxlokk Sunday market without asking anyone for directions.
9. The Planzilla
The Planzilla is the scariest tourist. This monster is released from the underworld once a year and they will make everyone who agreed to come to Malta with them regret ever saying yes. The Planzilla will not leave you a minute to wriggle anywhere. Even the bathroom trips will be planned and organised when it comes to the Planzilla. This beast will strictly adhere to the itinerary no matter what happens, no jellyfish sting will keep them from visiting Popeye Village.
10. The Lingual Expert
These smart guys will try to speak to you in Maltese, which will only result in either you thinking that they’re idiots, or you thinking that they’re idiot.
They will spurt out Bongu instead of Bonġu, Kħadyra instead of Għadira and Grassie instead of Grazzi. A proper M’hemmx imniex sieħbi will always leave these guys looking at you like you just defeated them in an impromptu freestyle rap battle.
11. The Congestion
These living zombies will move as slowly as the world’s worst case of constipation. They will walk in the middle of every street and they will pay the bus drivers either in €50 notes or 1 cent coins. Their only goal in life is to frustrate local bus drivers, car owners and anyone who needs to travel. The congestions will feel highly offended whenever a bus driver gets angry at them and starts swearing in a creative myriad of Maltese swear words — they will not understand what you’re saying, but they sure as hell will not try to change their ways, driver.
12. The Retirees
This old couple visits Malta as their retiree vacation. They are generally the sweetest, most generous and nicest you will meet around — there is no hassle when it comes to the old couple. They take life with a pinch of sugar and will not be bothered by anything. The retirees are here to enjoy their holiday, and they don’t give a shit about you as long as they get to ride the luzzu from Birgu to Valletta at least twice on their holiday here.
13. The ones with the death wish
These tourists literally have a death wish. They will walk under any dangerous structure ever imagined, they will walk in the middle of busy roads, they will swim in red flag areas and they will need to be rescued by the AFM at least twice during their stay on our island. These tourists sometimes end up in these situations out of sheer stupidity, but mostly it’s just their generations old gypsy curse/death wish/ past life karmic debt.