Now that summer is just round the corner, there’s only one thing to really do. When we just can’t stand being stuck inside (or are surprised with yet another two-hour power cut), hitting the pool is one strong option.
Treat yourself. Grab a good book, your floppiest hat, and a pair of sunglasses so you can do some people-watching on the down-low.
1. The Selfie-Obsessed sun seeker
These are the ones who spent a while getting ready for this little excursion, and I don’t mean ‘oh they look nice’ kind of ready. I mean the ones who’ve made it here without a single bead of sweat daring to make its way down their necks, and with not a single hair springing out of place. If they’re wearing make up, it’s on point. They’ll probably spend a fair bit of their time working their different angles and trying to get the perfect Instagram moment.
Um, don’t forget to actually get in the pool, okay guys?
2. The Flamingo Fanatic
We see you there with your large (admittedly cute) inflatable flamingo (or unicorn, or swan). Are you even alive in 2018 if you haven’t seen these guys hanging out at your favourite pool? Anyway, quit hogging the large bird. The other kids want to play.
3. The Faux Michael Phelps
Whoa, buddy, calm down there. We get it, you do a great breaststroke, but could you stop furiously doing laps around the modestly-sized pool?
Chill. Have a mojito. Or hit the National Pool if you’re serious about becoming part-mermaid.
4. Ir-Razza u r-Radika
Translation: ALL of the family members. ALL OF THEM. Especially the noisy ones.
Ah, yes; this is the life. Saturday morning, and you’re lounging by the pool in the perfect spot with an ice-cold drink in your hand. Music plays in the background as you catch up on your reading and generally enjoy the day. Suddenly, you hear a rumble in the distance; ripples form in your glass. Before you can turn to see what’s happening, your little patch of paradise has been overrun by your new sunbed-neighbour’s extended family, including at least five great-aunts with personal space issues, and four kids who seem hellbent on splashing the shit out of you, your friends, your book, and your patience.
Think happy thoughts.
5. The Student-Folk
Sometimes you might make the grave mistake of choosing a lido frequented by hordes of language students. I mean, you can’t blame them for wanting to unwind and enjoy our fair island while they’re here to learn English, right? Well, when we get to the 20th consecutive back-flip into the pool, and the portable speaker is blaring louder than the fireworks at your village feast, THEN WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
6. The Extra-Crispy Bacon
We all have that one friend who is 100% guilty of taking sun-worship just a few shades too far. Come on you guys – it’s Malta. It’s like 30-35 degrees on a good day, and the UV index is high as hell.
What are you doing? Burning. Burning is what you’re doing. Stop it. You look like a strange human-lobster hybrid and it’s bad for your skin. And for, you know, actual living.
7. The Hangover Pt. Whatevs
Sunglasses bigger than your plate of timpana at nanna’s house and body language that says ‘ħalluni please’, these guys are just trying to get it together after a heavy night out. Nothing like a day by the pool to melt yesterday’s sins away, right?
If this is your friend, order them a Bloody Mary and make sure they hydrate. Bless you.