The Ultimate Maltese New Year’s Resolutions List
The time has come to be introspective and re-evaluate your year in the hopes of making 2017 a better one. But ain’t nobody got time for that, so we’ve done the work for you.
Here are a few resolutions you should be making (and sticking to) in 2017. In no particular order.
1. Thou Shalt Refrain From Chewing Loudly
Loud chewing is for goats and slurping for the senile, so just don’t. It is disgusting. #Misophonia #InstantRage
‘Dardartni tmeċlaq!’
2. Thou Shalt Cover Thine Arse Crack
Some things are better left to the imagination.
‘Agħtti dak ix-xaqq minn hemm, Gareth!’
3. Thou Shalt Be Spatially-Aware
Walking in zigzags in the middle of a pavement and not being aware that someone is trying to pass you gives the person behind you the right to shove you into the middle of the street. Stopping suddenly and having the person behind you bump into you is also not cool.
‘Żul minn nofs!’
4. Thou Shalt Urinate Not On The Toilet Seat
Rather, thou shalt aim inside the bowl and in the event of an accident, thou shalt wipe said seat with Chante Clair.
5. Thou Shalt Not Litter
It shouldn’t take much to keep this tiny island of ours clean. Next time you witness someone littering, grab them and stick their nose in the next bin. It works when potty training animals… #BeNotaNeanderthal
‘Iġbor minn hemm u armi fid-daaastbin, injorant!’
6. Thou Shalt Attempt A Healthier Lifestyle
Let’s get Malta off the obesity charts.
7. Thou Shalt Post Not Gym Selfies
While we encourage a healthy diet and working out, nobody needs to see you posing and admiring yourself in front of the gym mirror. You look like a moron.
‘Ħa ddum tippoża, qisek iblaħ?’
8. Thou Shalt Limit Thy Hashtags
Unless you’re using them in the name of sarcasm or humour, you likely have a twat side.
#withmybabe #thisgirl #lovehim
‘Ħa jkolli nagħmillek unfriend għax qażżiztli l-cookies bil-hashtags.’
9.Thou Shalt Make An Effort To Say Please And Thank You
Especially if you work in the service industry. However, we do kindly ask you not to say ‘Thanks God‘. It’s not grammatically correct, unless you are speaking to Him directly on Skype.
10. Thou Shalt Respect Personal Bubbles
Hint: If you can smell what the other person has just eaten, then you’re probably too close.
11.Thou Shalt Let Go Of Thine Ex
Be more like Pocahontas and less like your 2016 self. That includes stopping the stalking.
12. Thou Shalt Not Drive Like A Knob
This includes:
(1) Not speeding up when approaching a puddle of rainwater to wet pedestrians (2) Indicating where appropriate (3) Not parking in the middle of the road to get pastizzi, leaving other drivers seething with anger (4) No screeching tyres and blasting music, especially when most people are trying to sleep. Doing so maketh you not attractive.
‘Ssuqx bħal bhejjem, bhima!’
13. Thou Shalt Learn The Difference Between ‘There’ and ‘Their’, ‘Your’ and ‘You’re’.
Make the world a better place.
14. Thou Shalt Post Not Generic Facebook Statuses
Yes, it is raining. Yes, it is Friday. Yes Brangelina no more. Yes, yes.
Bonus: Thou Shalt Continue Loving Lovin Malta
Show us some (more) love!
