Life in Malta can be pretty sweet. There’s a reason so many people fly in every single year to enjoy their sun-and-sea holiday. But living here can also present a few uniquely uncomfortable situations that, bit by bit, begin to add up.
1. Trying to deposit a BOV cheque into an HSBC ATM and having it rejected every single time.
2. Never being able to get through to your telecoms call centre, yet never missing a call from the telecoms sales department.
3. Pressing 1 to ‘continue in English’ but being answered by somebody who can only speak Maltese.
4. Getting to the cash after a big shopping spree and being told the establishment doesn’t take card. In 2018.
5. Or it takes card, but only VISA.
6. And then you try pay cash but the cashier has no change.
7. Calling your insurance’s emergency service when your house is flooded and being told it’s not an emergency.
8. Calling 17 handymen / plumbers / electricians / painters to do a small job for you but they all say you have to wait for 2018 because they’re too busy.
9. Trying to find someone to clean your house. Or trying to get a friend to recommend someone for you.
10. Finally learning the garbage collection times only for them to change all over again.
11. After spending your entire life being helpful to people on RUBS or Salott, you make your own enquiry and get zero response.
12. Arriving early and having to wait half an hour extra because the other person is late.
13. Arriving one minute late and finding everywhere closed.
14. Being told the opening hours are between 8am-11am only on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Wtf.
15. Making a complaint and receiving even worse service in response.
16. Agreeing a price on Maltapark, then meeting up for the sale and being haggled from scratch.
17. Being transferred to the ‘correct’ department but nobody ever picks up.
18. Being quizzed by your phone banking department until you finally get a question wrong. As if anybody knows the exact amount of money they deposited four weeks ago.
19. Then being told your query didn’t require identification.
20. Getting a ticket for poor car maintenance when you filed a motor claim with insurance five weeks ago and you’re still waiting for signs of life.
21. Not being able to find ripe avocados.
22. Trying to go shopping after work but everywhere is already closed.
23. Trying to go shopping on a Sunday or public holiday but everywhere is closed.
24. Finding Lidl closed one Sunday and open another. The next time you ask on Salott and you only receive hate.
25. Being told by your doctor or pharmacist to rush to the emergency department at hospital only to wait six hours because the hospital doesn’t consider it an emergency.
26. Not being able to complain because the hospital is free.
27. Getting anxiety because you’re sure your emergency is a real emergency and the doctors are getting it wrong.
28. Finally getting let in and being told you should’ve just gone to the polyclinic.
29. Being told ‘receipts are unavailable at this time’.
30. And when you complain two weeks later, being told you should’ve asked for a receipt.
31. Finally taking an afternoon off to do some chores you’ve been delaying only to remember every government department takes half days in summer.
32. Finding a ticket when you walk back to your car in Valletta after being sure you did it right this time and realising you will never, ever, learn what the CVA colours mean.
33. Arriving at a juncture where every direction is no entry.
34. Going to the beach to cool off and realising there’s no parking, no space on the beach and the sea isn’t even clean.
35. Finally getting home to cower under the AC and you get a power cut.
36. The electricity comes back after a few minutes, just enough time to breathe a sigh of relief, then it’s out again for 13 hours.
37. Arriving home at 6am with the after-party migraine of your life and as soon as you hit the pillow you’re reminded it’s festa day today and there are going to be petards all morning.
38. Receiving your neighbour’s mail. Or the mail of the person who used to live in your house. Or the mail of somebody you don’t even know.
39. Receiving 10 times more junk mail than actual mail.
40. Trying to get a food delivery with less than a 90-minute wait.
41. Trying to explain where you live to any delivery person. Wondering why they don’t use GPS or Whatsapp location.
42. Finding a note at home to say Maltapost has attempted to deliver a package twice already and if you’re not home a third time they’ll stop trying. But they only try at the same time when you’re obviously at work.
Tag a friend who always misses the postman