Stages Of Trying To Plan A Small Wedding In Malta
Needless to say, it doesn't end 'intimate'
We've heard it all before from countless sincerely-intentioned friends hoping to spend their special day in the company of not too many, say a hundred, of their closest friends. A year later you get an invitation to a reception at Villa Arrigo and seven hundred of your friends are also going.
Here's where it all went wrong.
1. You promise each other you won't compromise on your vision
Nothing, not even the wrath of an overbearing kunjata, will break you down.
2. You break it to your parents
And they act like you just told them you spent four months dealing heroin, naked.
"Imma għalfejn jaħasra?!"
3. Then you tell them you're doing it biċ-ċivil
And that shit is just too much for them...
"Lanqas mejta! Mur ara x'ħa jgħidu ta' ħdejna!"
3. The calmer parent reminds you about your Nannu's waning health
And ensures you that your godless union will be the death of him.
"X'ħa tagħmillu n-Nannu miskin. Dak ma jiflaħx ta'!"
4. One of you cracks and gives in to the church bit...
...no one wants to kill their Nannu.
5. Your parents insist on all the cousins
Including cousin Ċetta who's 40 with bad breath and a penchant for groomsmen.
6. You decide to budget on friends instead
And then you leave your house and run into every single person you were planning on omitting.
"Kemm ili ma narak! What's new with you?!"
7. Remember when you just wanted a band to play your favourite songs and that's it?
Say hello to a string quartet for the church, cellist to welcome the guests, band for the reception, and two-hours DJ set for an after-party you never wanted.
8. You stand your ground on location
You've triumphed over everyone, your mum, your nanna, even Aunt Doris – who clearly knows way more about what you want than you do.
And then your venue people pull out.
9. You succumb to Villa Arrigo
And agree it's probably a better place to hold so many people...