Why The Thought Of Growing Old In Malta Makes Us Shit Our Pants

May 12, 2018 at 6:20 am

A lot of people around the world have a fear of growing old. It’s so common that it even has a name — Gerascophobia.

However, when it comes to growing old in Malta, there’s a very valid number of things we need to fear about growing old, and it’s not just pissing yourself every morning or losing your will to shower daily.

Here are 12 reasons why growing old in Malta is scary. We’re sorry.

1. The sun will eventually make us all look like prunes

The almost apocalyptic UV rays which attack this island daily will undoubtedly give us all horrible and leathery skin. We will all look like those 90’s elastic gypsy shirts.

2. We will probably have no pension

Let’s put this into perspective.

People born between 1952 and 1955 get to retire at the age of 62, those born between 1956 and 1958 get their pension at 63, and those born between 1959 and 1961 get it at 64. Those born after 1961 will get their pension at 65.

So if the statutory pension age is increasing every two years, does that mean that we will have to work until we’re around 80 years old?

Can you imagine an 80 year old construction worker or teacher?

3. The hour-long gossip session with Tal-Grocer will end up becoming our weekly highlight

We all fear spending at least an hour chatting with tal-grocer about who did what, where, when and how. Being gossip buddies with the woman who stocks us with milk and mars bars is not the most ideal way to live your last days on this planet.

4. The gas dilemma (no, not that one)

The million dollar question is not how we will buy gas, but who will take those heavy ass cylinders up our cubicle high-rise flat.

5. No green areas will be available

Where will we go for walks in nature? Nowhere. We will not have any green areas unless artificial most probably.

At this rate we won’t even have any local zuntier or każin to hang out at, let alone green areas.

6. What about the loans?

We will keep on paying our ridiculously overpriced cubicle flats by the age of 100. Nsomma, nothing to worry about — if the house and rent prices keep going up, most of us will probably end up living at the YMCA anyway. Time to rekindle old friendships.

7. Retirement homes suck

Retirement homes in Malta are scary AF.

Not only are the waiting lists already never-ending, but the private ones are expensive and some of them frankly look like their residents are not treated that well.

Or maybe it’s because the people there are sad. Because they know something we don’t. And it’s something we don’t want to know.

8. Becoming an orphan and seeing all your loved ones slowly pass away

This is just so sad we don’t have anything to say about it.

9. Will healthcare still be free?

What will we do if healthcare stops being free? We’re not brave enough to remove our own appendix.

10. The decline in gossip variety

“Iii bilħaqq taf min miet?” will be the most common opening line ever. And sadly, one of the only ones.

11. We will not be able to drive

We will be senile, and our license will be revoked for sure.

We will have to deal with losing our independence, and it will not be pretty.

12. The fear of shitting ourselves

Not being able to control our bowel movements is everyone’s lifelong fear ever since childhood.

The fact that it will probably happen at a time when basic physical movements might be painful or impossible makes it even scarier.

Why The Thought Of Growing Old In Malta Makes Us Shit Our Pants