Control disguised as concern

In the beginning, abusive behaviour often hides behind a veneer of care and concern. It starts with subtle, seemingly innocent actions that, when isolated, might not raise alarms but, in combination, lay the groundwork for future control, a spokesperson for the NGO said.

This can include wanting to know where you are all of the time and frequently calling, emailing, and messaging you throughout the day.

Rushing relationship milestones

Early on, the abuser may push for a serious commitment, such as quickly discussing marriage or moving in together. Overwhelming displays of affection and declarations of love are used to rush the natural progression of the relationship. This eagerness can feel flattering but is often a tactic to establish control before you fully know the person.

Using jealousy as a sign of love

Excessive jealousy might initially be presented as deep affection, with statements like, “I just care about you so much; I can’t stand the thought of losing you.” The abuser might constantly question who you’re with, where you’re going, and who you’re talking to, which may seem like concern but is actually an early sign of possessiveness. At first, controlling behavior might appear as simple preferences or concerns. For example, the abuser might express discomfort when you make plans without them or ask questions about your whereabouts and companions.

This can escalate to frequent calls or texts to monitor your activities, all under the guise of wanting to stay connected.

Subtle criticism, often hidden behind humour, may also emerge early on. Comments like, “You’re so sensitive; can’t you take a joke?” after a hurtful remark are intended to belittle you while minimising their impact. Over time, these “jokes” chip away at your self-esteem.

The shift from affection to control: Isolation

As the relationship progresses and the initial excitement wears off, the abuser’s true intentions become more apparent. The behaviours that were once subtle intensify, and the relationship shifts from one of affection to one of control and manipulation.

The abuser may attempt to isolate you from friends and family, making you more dependent on them. This isolation is a deliberate tactic to ensure that you have fewer people to turn to as the abuse intensifies.

Deflecting responsibility as control gets stronger

The abuser increasingly refuses to take responsibility for their actions, instead blaming you or external factors. They may say things like, “It’s your fault I’m like this,” to deflect responsibility. They might also portray themselves as the victim, recounting how others have wronged them, to manipulate your sympathy and justify their controlling behaviour.

As control solidifies, verbal abuse often intensifies. The abuser may resort to name-calling, derogatory language, or even threats. Physical intimidation, such as destroying objects or using force to restrict your movements, may also become more frequent, instilling fear and compliance.

Minimising concerns and gaslighting

Another red flag is when someone constantly invalidates your feelings or minimises your concerns. They may dismiss your emotions by saying things like, “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

This is often a precursor to gaslighting, a manipulative tactic where the abuser makes you doubt your own perceptions, memories, or even your sanity. For instance, they might deny something they said or did, even when you have clear evidence, making you question your reality.

Sexual Coercion

The abuser may pressure or force you into unwanted sexual activities – this can become a distressing aspect of the relationship. Conversely, they may withhold affection as a form of punishment or control, using intimacy as a tool to manipulate your behaviour.

If you are suffering through domestic violence, call Victim Support Malta at +356 2122 8333 or email them at [email protected].